Hush

If the heavens opened up

And instead of pouring light

They dropped an eternity of snowfall

All through the night

Could we dig our way back out

When we're buried passed my head

Can we ever forgive 

All the thoughtless things we've said

When the clouds finally break

And the sun splits the sky

Will we be out of the storm

Or just in its eye?

If it all comes back

Even worse than before

And we think of giving up

Wondering if we can take any more

May the snow whisper - hush

As we strike a match to light

A fire in our souls

That will burn on through the night

Absence

You'd be surprised at the result of doing nothing

At the results that nothingness can bring

Long after others may quit

We'll hold our breath through all of it

I'll stop and check my loosened laces 

Tie them tight and tighten their faces

I'll scrunch mine up into a mask

Toil away till I forget the task 

Spinning yarns and needling threads 

Piercing all the prickling thoughts in their heads

Pry them off and set them free

Hold them tight till they're a part of me

Wrap it up before too long

My pull is weak and words aren't strong 

Yet after everyone else forgets

We'll still cling to every thought that flits 

What is the result, in the end?

The nothingness day by day will blend 

Into hazy words to scrawl

And, oh, of course - into nothing at all

Expanse

Under the tired sky

In a middle space of mind

I'll let caution fly

All thoughts intertwined

Under such a haze

Everything seems clear

All eyes set ablaze 

All feeling right here

Between every twilight

In the space between each star

I'll hold all that is bright

All that comes from afar

Between every word

The world stands still

All sensation is blurred

Each breath such a thrill

Above every sunset 

Inside every mind

Is a freedom not found yet

Is a peace we can find

Above every new possibility 

Above every cloud in the sky

May we bathe in tranquility 

And learn how to fly

Miles

I'll steal sentences until I find

The words needed to clear my mind

Pour them out until I see

Someone who looks like me

Will there be a chance to fix it all

After the storm, after the fall

When the whole world is covered in rust

And every heart lies beneath the dust

Lie to me, just for awhile

Lest we count every mile

And every problem accumulates 

And we remember death awaits 

I'll watch my blood ebb and flow 

In the end, where else is there to go

In the beginning, where's it from

Somewhere delicate or somewhere numb 

What could it all possibly mean

All the things I've never seen

All the people I've never met

All the boundaries I never set

I'll steel myself until I find

A purpose I can get behind

A life unstained by memory 

A reason for being me

Reflections

So what is left to be said?

Forcing words out nonetheless 

Your brain has long since been squeezed out

Yet still you press

Catching every useless dripping

To stain the page like ink

Clinging to every tenet 

To drink

And drink

And drink

Why are you here?

Scrolling again

Just searching for

A place to fit in

Guzzle down their words

Absorb what they say

It doesn't matter if others leave -

You can't trust them anyway

Just keep coming back

To feed your dear vanity 

Shut all else out, for you know -

"The only one capable of understanding is me

Me

ME"

Yet who are you now?

Lost in everything they've said

Denying what doesn't suit you

While your biases get fed

Let others disagree

Let them cling to their lies

You know the truth

Though the whole world denies 

It's their loss if they refuse

To bask in the glory you've shown

It doesn't matter if you're forever

And ever

And ever

Alone

Still

So shall I have a profound thought today

Amidst all this open air?

With still water stretching on and on

And leaves falling without a care

Sitting talking to empty space

Because you're not there

The sun bringing sweat to my brow

The wind sending shivers up my spine

It's all an ongoing balancing act

And I can't toe the line

Regardless of every possible thought

Still the sun will shine

And what am I, amidst this air

Amidst all possibility?

A speck of dust in a finite world

A speck in a universe of infinity 

Amidst all the things I could have been -

Who am I to still be me?

Profound enough?  I don't know -

Have I fulfilled the quota of the day?

When the same wind that chills my bones

Allows the leaves to play

How can I still my tumbling mind

And find something worth trying to say?

Still sitting talking to empty space

Because you're still asleep 

Amidst this cold night warmed by you -

This shallow haven in a neverending deep 

The world will go on without me

Still - these moments are mine to keep

Irregardless

There were holes before I met you

There will be holes when you are gone

Every night I'll sink to nothingness

And in the morning, greet the dawn 

I'm missing too many pieces 

My soul leaks through the cracks 

I'm running out of time again 

And the feelings only wax

I'll drown beneath the drippings 

I'll watch me disappear

I didn't move fast enough

And now I'm stranded here

Searching for silver linings 

In a sheet of gray sky

I'll grasp at them tightly

Never knowing how to say goodbye

I'll tear it all to pieces 

Rip until I can see blue

I'll pull myself together

Until I can't seep through

Every night I'll expand to eternity 

And in the morning, greet the dawn 

I was whole before I met you

I will be whole when you are gone  

Erosion

If I were a mystery 

And this was a clue

Maybe you could find me

Buried beneath everything you thought you knew

Denying it one more time

Eroding my very core

All it wastes is my prime

Maybe I don't want to waste it anymore

If I just keep holding on

If I continue to wait

Confined inside the lines you've drawn

Will your feelings abate?

Or am I just prolonging 

An inevitable storm

Striving for a sense of belonging

And love to keep me warm

If I remain a mystery

And all my explanations you refuse 

Just be careful I don't find me

Before you realize how much you've got to lose

365

It's all just days and days

They added up quite fast

It's all an ongoing attempt

To create something that will last

Something worth holding onto -

To be worth it to someone

Something to grow into

When it's all said and done

It's all just little moments

Adding up every day

It's all a futile attempt 

At finding the right words to say

Because words always fall flat

In comparison to 

The brightness in your eyes

And what I feel for you

It's all just chemicals

Bouncing around inside my head

It's all comfort and warmth

Filled with flames that we fed

Been burning for a year now

But that's silly, you know -

It started long before then

I just tried not to let it show

It's all just a choice

I've chosen you every day

It's all comfort and warmth

Knowing I wouldn't want it any other way

Dust

In all the ways we could have done better

In all the broken hearts

Honey, I could never be her

I'm missing too many parts

In all the salt and all the sand

Ground beneath my feet

In all the things I'll never understand

Where silence and chaos meet

Here is where I'll always stay

Lost in memories

Here is where they always say

Time and matter freeze 

And thus we find: it doesn't matter

All these wasted things

All our lives, lost in mindless chatter 

This is what life brings

In all the caramel and all the sea

Crashing about my head

In all these things - remember me

And everything I said

For if all is mindless and forgotten 

And every summer fades

Tell me, did it really happen?

Obscurity cascades 

I'll let it crash and wash me clean

I'll let myself forget

Everything I could ever mean

Try if you must - you can't hold onto it

I'll let go and watch them rust

All the things I could have done better

I can disperse into sand and star dust

But I can never be her

I Alone

I wanted to be sincere 

I wanted to explain

But all the silver linings 

Don't cover all the pain

I can't catch my breath now

I can't control my head

All my thoughts circle

All my reason fled

Catch it if you can

Catch me if you dare

Wrap your arms around me

Watch my seams tear

Cinch them all together

Calloused hands do it well

Accosted by the world

All the pieces swell

I'll fall to pieces

I'll scatter in the wind

Everything is ash now

Each moment has thinned 

I wanted to explain

I wanted to be sincere 

But all that remains

Is I alone, standing here

Yet You Wonder At It All

Maybe I'm lost now

All my thoughts seem to fray

I'll tumble through stars

And watch the world float away

And where did you go?

Adrift in the deep

Search for blithe words

I'll not make a peep

Surrounded with silence

Get lost in my head

Shift through this dust

It will cling to your tread 

Explore this great vastness

So insignificant and small

Explained so clearly

Yet you wonder at it all

I wait for your answer

Never comes quick enough

You wait for me to say something

But what's the point of such stuff?

You never seem to listen

I never seem to say

I'll write it all out

And watch the words float away

Divide & Conquer

Let us divide and conquer -

I'll divide myself in half

One side to wail

One side to laugh

One side to smile

One side to sigh

One side to hold the other

When one needs to cry

I'll divide myself into pieces 

Conquer each one in turn

Put them all in boxes

To study but never learn

I'll label each box carefully -

Flaunt the pretty ones around

The others I'll bury

Out of sight deep in the ground

They unearth themselves sometimes

I drive them down again

Just not quick enough to

Avoid them causing pain

They rear their ugly heads

Somehow I never see

How slowly they creep up

And sink their claws in me

I hack at all the pieces

Divide and divide once more

Shove them all in their own boxes

Feel the absence in my core

I visit them in secret

When no one is around

Unable to fix the puzzle

I bury myself deep in the ground

Swaying

Before we get started

Understand just one thing -

Things are going to change

Turns out change is something time must bring

Hold tight - you might feel my mood swing

After it's finished 

Take just one lesson away -

Honey, nothing changes

All the mistakes must stay

Still holding - you can feel the ground sway

Begin again maybe

Eventually we'll get it right 

Eventually everything will make sense

Nothing hidden from the light -

Discrepancies bring the swinging into sight

One more time now

Negate all that doesn't fit

Everything paints a perfect picture

Take what you want, the rest we forget -

Only, the swaying won't quit

Dare to sway for awhile

Everything moves, you know

Anchoring down in place

Tears you up when harsh winds blow

Hold tight - pain comes when you grow

No Wounds At All

When I start to feel myself fall

Will you know to catch me?

When I don't know what I feel at all

Aside from anxiety 

If my breath catches in my throat

And I don't know how to stay afloat 

Will you be able to understand

Things that I can't explain

No wounds at all but still feeling pain -

Will you be there to squeeze my hand?

When your smile starts to fade

Will I know how to revive it?

When you're crushed under the choices you've made

And just want to quit

If you've forgotten what you're struggling for

And you don't want to try anymore

Will I be able to be there

In the way that you need 

Not asking for a thing though you bleed -

I'll stay and run my fingers through your hair

When things aren't easy and don't feel right

Will we handle it okay?

When we disagree, will we fight

And watch all the good times fray?

If you build your walls till I can't get through

And I feel fragile and blame it on you

Can it end better than I foresee?

Predicting all the ways things could go wrong 

Try to dispel them, but I'm not that strong -

I'm falling, honey - can you catch me?

Pieces & Bits

If I wait long enough

Will the words come?

If I think about it till I'm calloused and rough 

Then can I stay numb?

If none of it fits -

Who am I supposed to be?

Composing erratically 

Left with all these pieces and bits

If it takes too much time

When should I refrain?

If I don't embody the paradigm 

Will it always be a bane?

If I can't be what you crave

Might I satisfy myself instead?

Gather up every bit of skin I've tried to shed -

But that isn't the proper way to behave 

If it never comes at all

Is that really such a loss?

If I question every footfall

How will I ever cross?

If I don't know where I'm going

Would you help me find my way

Without asking me to stray

In a direction I'm not growing?

If I go where you don't want me to

Will you try to prune me?

If you don't like the way I grew

Will you accept who I want to be?

If I show you every lost lot and crumb

Picking up all the pieces and bits

Finding where everything truly fits -

Then can the words start to come?

May It Ever Be

What is there to say?

Another year - another day

Building it all up, watching it all fray

Places to go, but I haven't found my way

Just what am I supposed to say?

What have I said so far?

Trying always to reach that bar

Stretching up to caress each star

Soothing every bruise and scar

What in the world have I said so far?

What am I supposed to do?

Something good - something true

Promise always to see it through

If only the way I knew

Just what am I supposed to do?

What have I done worthwhile?

None of it is tactile 

None of it important enough to compile 

Aside from meriting your smile 

What else could possibly be as worthwhile?

So what is there I could possibly say?

How can I accurately convey 

All the things that have and have not gone my way

In my twentieth year and a day?

I'm still just beginning to find my way

So what is there that I might find

In a world that isn't always kind

In my heart and in my mind

With my thoughts so intertwined?

May it ever be: never ending moments where the stars are aligned 

They Said

They said pity the living
While you mourned the dead
I told you to give me a moment
So I might clear my head

And I'm not to be trifled with
But don't take me too seriously
Take from me no answers
And give me no pity

I'm a washout and a fluke
Full of platitude
I'll sit here for hours
Swinging like my mood

They said we're going nowhere
So I said watch me run -
Run out of time and grace
No more chances - we're all done

And do you resent me
For opening my lips
For wanting something more
For loosening these grips

Darling, you're getting old
All your joints will start to rust
You're doing it all backwards
And we're dancing in their dust

They said envy the dead
While you rejoiced over life
I said leave me here
So I might shed your strife

And I'll try to make you understand
But you'll just roll your eyes
Do I sound clever yet?
Caught in my web of lies

Make it into something more
Than it's ever been
Take a breath of fresh air
And we'll begin again

Laudanum

It's all so useless

It's all so dry

Thinking I could get through this

Thinking we wouldn't die

It's all going dark

And my blood's running cold

Sinking through life

Doing what we're told

Answers don't matter

Details all fade

Life slowly crushes

Sweet memories we made

Laughter only echoes

Until silence reigns supreme

Fantasies don't transpire 

Privation eats away your dream

Obsequious still

Take my very breath

Really, I don't need it

Only ending in death

Nerves eating me slowly

Acid pouring from my eyes

Ate clear through me

Laudanum raining from their lies

Undergo an exchange 

One heart for another

Get one that doesn't leak so

Take one that doesn't smother

Hold it until it stops beating

 . . . until it all runs dry

Take my very breath, dear

 . . . you know I'll comply 

Hazarding Heptad

Reach for a new sheet of paper

For all the thoughts that weigh

Running out of ink now

Let's put all these words away

Seven years worth of them 

Sure adds up to a lot

Shape them all to form me

And everything I'm not

How to sort through them -

Stacked in pillars about my head

How to deny them -

All the words I ever bled

Sure adds up to a lot -

Dripping out of me everyday

Perhaps I'll take a sabbatical 

And clear all these cuts away

I've earned it now, you see

Seven years giving my best

I'm running out of words now

Seven years worth - how can I fill the rest?

Perhaps this is all I have -

Is there anything worth writing left inside of me?

I'm bound to run dry someday

It's just a question of when that'll be

Asking myself yearly -

What more can I possibly say?

I pick up my pen regardless

And give all my words away

Dried Paint

Waiting for the grass to grow

And for the paint to dry

Waiting for myself to stop

Watching the night sky

Waiting for the phone to ring

For you to want to talk

Waiting for the seas to drain

And for the trees to walk

Waiting for the lines to sound

Right in every way

Waiting for the pain to leave

And for the love to stay

Waiting for you to show

That you really care

Waiting to breathe in water

And swim through air

Waiting for the storm inside

To finally make a sound

Waiting for it to matter

When I'm not around

Waiting for the courage

Waiting to catch a break

Waiting for my hands to still

And for the mountains to shake

Waiting all of my life

Waiting just to know

That I should have stopped waiting

A long, long time ago

Eternity

Ask me questions I can't answer 

Little words that captivate

Light a spark behind my eyes 

Eternity isn't too long to wait

Letting all the old thoughts softly abate

Show me what could never have been

Twisted as it was before

Adrift in crushing upheaval

Yet stagnant at its core

Who knew it could be so much more?

Show me what is possible now

Everything as it should be

Show me all the silver linings 

Held within infinity 

All within a moment of you holding me

I'll answer questions you never asked 

Tangled webs to hide behind

Hidden meanings left undisturbed 

Mysteries you'll never find

Echoes of thoughts I revise and rewind

Light a spark and watch it blaze

Lingering unto the night

Moments stretching into days

Onward into the light

Void of all but warmth and rays

Eternity drifting out of sight

Ramblings

I'll wander around idly

Tracing patterns in the air

Wondering forever

I'll shut my eyes and stare

Listing things off carefully

Leaping before I look

Taking each step boldly

Thinking of how my hands shook

Still searching for silver linings

In all there is to see

Still trying to find something -

Still searching for me

In all the endless words

That swarm about my head

In all this endless world

That'll plague me till I'm dead

And all the things I told me

All I maintained to be true

Are all the things that I forget

Sitting here with you

Maybe that's alright

Maybe it never mattered anyway

Sitting here quietly 

I'll watch the patterns fray

Only Stay Forever

Only stay forever

Caressing my cold hands

Captured in the moment

All my breath expands

Still hanging in the air

In clouds about my head

Once more - fill and release

Nothing needing to be said

And we'll say it anyway

Like it's all of top most import

Like the future takes shape with our words

You'll always give your best retort

I'll soak it all in to warm me

Dreaming up arguments too

Occasionally, I don't like people all that much

No - but I always like you

Trekking through the snow

Lashes blinking flakes away

I'll hold what I can

Knowing it'll all be gone someday 

Experiencing each footfall

Perfect patterns in the snow

Expanding each moment

Only staying forever, you know -

Placing each foot carefully 

Like the pattern will always show

Echoes of when forever started to grow

Sap

I'm tired of trying to sound clever

Of putting on a thoughtful face

And pondering this and that

I just feel out of place

I'm tired of people avoiding my gaze

And looking behind my back

I'm tired of explaining myself

And everything I lack

I'm tired of complaining

About things that don't truly matter

Covered in anxiety and lies

Take it all away, I'll shatter

I'll wallow in self-pity

And wish things would change

But stay within my comfort zone

Never finding my true rage

I'll write forever and say nothing at all

It's all nonsense and lies

I'll push your memory from my head

But dream of your eyes

I can't be happy, not today -

Everything is normal, see?

I can't be sad, not right now -

Numbness has ahold on me

Disjointed, disconnected

Stringed together verse

Daydreams filling my life

Watch them all disperse

Time goes so slowly

I feel so old, so young

Yet I feel younger than I once was

Falling back another wrung

I'm cold and overstimulated 

Birds chirping in one ear

While music blasts in the other

Trying to forget I'm here

I'm tired of thinking

But I doubt I'll ever quit

Ideas dying all around me

Just another thing to forget

I'll never be good enough for myself

I'll never find someone who disagrees 

Wholeheartedly enough to convince me otherwise

Everyone blows away in the breeze

I'm tired of trying to sound clever

So I didn't try this time

It's just a bundle of silly thoughts

Held together with a rhyme