Radiate

The days are rushing, the nights are cold

Snow seeps into my skin

To freeze just one moment here 

Dwell on what could have been -

What could be, after this

After one more striven chance

How to reach a balanced bliss

How to pace this muddled dance

Can I stop tripping over my feet

Can you stop standing on my toes

If we could hear the same music

If we could collaborate and compose

A song that works for all of us

A symphony of life

That elevates the happy times

And holds us tight through strife

Because the strife freezes in the cold

To weigh heavily on our skin

While the happy times blaze and burn

Burning out into what has been

Let us find new ways to warm us

Let us dance until we radiate 

Then let us dance beyond this

Until the nights abate 

Rain

Tomorrow has escaped my grasp

Has once more eluded me

Each day it makes promises

Repeating, yet never coming to be

Entire lifetimes have been spent

In the vain attempt to hold them from -

Still trying to wrap their fingers around

All the tomorrows that'll never come

How indifferent they must be

Oaths given but never kept

Losing time and gaining it

Endless wavering we all accept

I will accept none of it -

None of the numbness they call sane

My head will open to the sky

Yearning, yet catching only rain

Here we will pause and reflect 

Each water drop lying in the grass

All the tomorrows held therein 

Drop away, yet never pass

Regurgitate

Shall we spin some nonsense 

Avoid going deeper today

Ambiguity is the best defense 

When you don't know what to say

When you don't know what to feel 

Just pretend none of it is real

Disassociate

And tip the scales

Towards fairytales

Leave behind your fate

I'll step outside to get some air 

And calm my pounding heart

All my seams are starting to tear 

And I'm just trying not to fall apart 

Breathing beneath an icy sky 

In an effort to keep my eyes dry

Force the feelings down

Press them tightly to my core

Til I don't feel them anymore 

Let them all drown 

But let us return to nonsense 

I don't want to explain myself today 

Lose them all in pretense 

And endless shades of gray

Draining all the colors out of the sky

Leave the ground barren and dry

Accept this endless fate

Of blank faces and inner war 

Why expect anything more

Than all they regurgitate 

Endeavor

Wading into dissent 
Hear the waves ebb and flow
At the very heart of the matter
Tear them down and let them go

I can’t force the words
Falling from my face
I can’t mold them into
Truthfulness with grace

Oozing emotion and fear
Locked it within for so long 
Daring not to release 
Told always that it’d be wrong

How can it be wrong?
Endeavoring simply to be me
Tear down the expectations 
Rain down reality 

Until it’s all washed away
Til every lie has been scrubbed clean
Hear the waves settle softly, and finally be seen

Architecture

Cast me down, lose your grip

It's all the same by now

Drinking poison, one more sip

All the things I thought I'd never allow

Have slowly come about

Drip by drip, drowning me in doubt

Slowly now, do not upset

The teetering towers of conjecture 

Such impressively pitiful architecture 

Can't escape them yet

Pick me up, bruise my skin

Tracing the circles still

All the things it could have been 

Lost to a loss of will 

Caught in past mistakes 

Shame is all it takes 

To push the faces down 

Further and further into the dirt

Still pretending it doesn't hurt

To sink until you drown

Leave me here, one more time

Drawing further into myself constantly 

After all, it's no crime

To pretend you never see 

All the damage done

By and to everyone

Please, let us not upset 

The deeply ingrained biases 

Shrouded beneath weaponized piousness

Can't escape them yet 

Echo & Ache

All of life should stop and know

Mighty tremors - they should feel the shake 

Of the monstrous deeds and hideous intent

May all life cry out in its wake

Echoes should carry on and on

Never forgetting the horrors done

To the men, women, children, babes -

Once more, to the entire nation 

For generations, many have tried

Slyly or blatantly to wipe them out

In the end, may none succeed 

L'Olam - let there be no doubt 

Eternally, so none forget 

Nor return to their compliance 

Carry the memory of all those lost 

Echo and ache and hold a moment of silence 

Expulsion

In the stillest of moments

All breath caught and held

My thoughts may cycle

Shift or be expelled 

Talking heads may try

Insisting they stay

Let reality crash over

Let it wash all that once was away

Let us not freeze

Empty or go back

Always moving forward 

Reaching for what we lack 

Not to be without reason

I'll wonder where to go

Not to be without purpose 

Gathering up things to help me grow

Held it all for so long

Only, how do we release?

Worries building always 

Teach me how to find peace

Or how to be -

Belong and be me

Expelling all that leaves me feeling empty

Ember

In between each decision 

Do your thoughts bend and sway? 

Over-analyzed everything 

Now it's all turned to gray

Or do you always feel 

Totally unambiguous and right?

Told you every variable 

How they fade from your sight 

In between every ending 

New beginnings prance about 

Knowing this helps nothing 

I'll still cling to every doubt 

Can't it all just be better?

Acknowledging that's a lot to ask 

Never stopped me from trying 

Destined to break or finish every task 

Our days are numbered, our skin is frail 

Time seeps on and on

Holding tight, here and now

Is it worth it once it's gone?

Slow and venomous, they pile up

All the little disappointing things 

Now they inhabit all of it 

Yanking all our strings 

Moving between each decision

Or figuring out how long we can delay 

Risking the inevitable 

Ember shall burn through it all someday 

730

It's all just days and days

Stacking up together

It's all an ongoing attempt 

To learn how to be better

Learning how to disagree 

Without saying something I regret 

Learning how to voice my needs

Without getting upset 

Two years and there's still

So much that I don't know

So much time trying to learn

Yet so much space left to grow

All the days that I stumbled

Each time the words came out wrong 

When my anxieties surged 

And I didn't feel strong

Through it all, you remained 

Steadfast and true 

I always tried to be self sufficient

Now I'm trying to learn how to rely on you

 

I've never been a fast learner 

But this much at least I understand

The lessons are less daunting 

When you're there to hold my hand

It's all just days and days

730 since we've been together 

And I don't want to ever go back

Because I've found something better

Empty Space

Tell me, if I swear to be honest -

Honestly, would you promise to be kind?

Echoes of old memories

Echoes I don't want to find

Make believe it was for the best

Pretend it doesn't affect things anymore

Tormented with anxious attachments -

You traced insecurities into my core

Swore to be honest, but I lie to myself

Pretending you didn't see

All the manipulation and pressuring -

Claiming it was all for the love of me

Empty space is all that should be left now

Growing solid and secure

Really, what's accumulated -

Echoes of all the reasons to feel unsure

Why can't I just forget?

Sometimes, somehow, I do

Old echoes falling silent 

Listen, really - I'm over none of it but you

I swore, so here I am, in honesty 

Do you think even for a moment you ever kept your promises to me?

~

The Empty Space Between Us

The Empty Space Accumulated

Sieve

Sifting through past thoughts

Picking apart each memory

To justify today's emotions

They come in waves to toy at me

Did I always feel this way

Or did I convince myself later on

Did each thing matter quite so much

Or did I raise them with the dawn

All of life is perspective 

It changes day by day

Altering the past

Silently fading old thoughts away

Trying to decide what to think

Trying to remember who I was before

Trying to keep everything

While trying to be so much more

Trying to make sense

Out of ever shifting memories 

Trying to find something solid 

The truths bend in the breeze 

All of life is perception 

Trying to show you through my eyes

How all of it is sieving chaos

Lost in endless skies  

Weather

On our way to oblivion 

Watching the stars sway

We'll hook our fingers together 

And feel the world pull away

Riding it out for better weather

But the weather doesn't stay

It leaves us empty, this everlasting void 

Fills us up with barren space

Seeps in through your eyes

Pushing tears down my face

I've never felt such defeat 

Or given up so much before

But I have given all of me

With no strength left to restore

Losing all but one simple plea:

Why can't you give me any more?

In the end, it's only pain

As dramatic as that seems

The price of life, love, hope -

Nothing but a shattering of dreams

On our way to awareness 

Watching our convictions sway

We'll let go again 

And regret pulling away

Returning always after the rain 

For the weather doesn't stay

Calm

And as we close our eyes

Listening to the ebb and flow

Connect it to our breath 

Draw it in, and let it go

I'll hold my heart in my hands

Create a space for it to be

Though crashing waters surround

With suffocating finality 

They build around my feet

And rise to cover my head

Ply at me with possibilities 

And words I never said

And as we sink to darkness

To drown beneath the shore

Lost in racing thoughts

Wondering if we could have done more

We return always to the breath

Though at times it may shake

We carve out spaces in time

And give all that it may take

What more can we do?

Accept it and float on

Try to soothe the torrents 

Until the storm is gone

And as we open our eyes

Still leaving space for us to be

I'll hold my heart and know:

It is enough to be taken care of by me

Matter

In these circles of time

Tell me, what is it you see?

The smallest of moments

Held up to infinity 

Caught here in space

Watching the light scatter 

Catching each mote

And bouncing off matter

What is there we might find

In all the words we hide behind

In all the lies we think to say

In all the truths that start to weigh 

In all the land and all the sea

In all of this, will I lose me?

With all the lines lost to time

With all we must forget

With all of the moments

Lost to obscurity and regret

Reflecting no more

The smallest of light

Fading away

Far from our sight

What is there we might lose

With all the little choices we choose

With all the thoughts we bury below

With all the things we don't mean to show

With all the land and all the sea

With all of this, can you find me?

In these circles of words

That bleed through the screen

The simplest things

Yet I know not what they mean

With all the lines I delete

Watching as they scatter

In the end what is left

Nothing but matter

Sand

There is the ancient, sinking to decay 

Rubble and dust enclose thee 

All of time turned into sand

And the top of the hourglass is empty 

Listen closely and you might hear

Sands susurrating in the wind

Only the softest of sounds

For even the air has thinned

To breathe is to be unfulfilled 

But no breath disturbs this night

The sun shall herd the shadows away

But there's none left to observe the light

There is the land, bathed in gold

Rays seeping across its skin

There is the sun, overpowering now

Until the clouds come in

The rain beats down with all its force

Encountering no resistance 

Listen closely and you might find

There is none left in existence 

To resist is to show a sign of life

But no life disturbs this day

For all of time turned into sand

And slowly dropped away

Phases

I want to start at the end

Can't get anything wrong that way

All the energy we spend

No longer wondering if we waste it every day 

Taking each step backwards 

Having nothing to run towards

Endings don't require 

Labored anxieties or thought 

Petrified notions all for naught 

Feeding off the memories of a fire

Reaching until even we expire

Or maybe we'll start in the middle 

Making mistakes nonetheless 

All my thumbs can do is twiddle 

Still waiting for someone to confess 

Kindly, before this turns into a memory 

If you're feeling lonely, please just tell me

Never believing this could last 

Going out to watch the sun set 

All I wonder is, are you bored yet?

Reasons to smile fading so fast

Each novelty slipping into the past 

Yet we must have begun at the beginning 

Once more worrying how it may end 

Universes go on spinning 

Blind to all the tears and energy we spend 

Or how we struggle day by day

Realizing we may not be going the right way

Endings don't need

Days spent arguing in my head 

Yearning for things you never said 

Empty of memories that might feed

The love that's trickling to a slow bleed

Always Hard[ly] Aging

We have reached some boring middle years 

The young twenties, you might say

When exact age hardly matters

And nothing changes day by day

Perhaps I'm doing it all wrong

These years shouldn't be wasted, so I'm told 

But I had no milestones this year

And it's got me feeling rather old 

How can I see movement 

With grades and graduations all forgot?

How can I measure my success

When ways to measure I have naught?

It's not really been a boring year

And there's been movement, I should know

I'm just not always good at

Giving myself time and space to grow

There are more steps to take in life

But they weren't for stepping this past year 

Twenty-one was for building 

All I have with me here

Building savings, building credit

Building experience - building me

A twenty-two year long project 

Is it yet finished?  Hardly!

I've hardly aged since last year

Still battling the marks on my face

Yet it's been a hard time aging

Always trying to find my place 

So have we reached some boring middle years?

It might sometimes feel that way

But life needn't rush so -

I'll enjoy what's here today

Nothing More

I will repeat once more

Thousands of things said millions of times before

I'll hold them like they're mine alone

Still blind to all we could have known

All that's left is here and now

Lines traced across their furrowed brow

Lost to time, it slips way

All that's left, none will stay

Let me forget, just for awhile 

Onward always to the next mile 

Take each step with great care 

Only pause to trace gray through my hair 

Fortune favors none at all

Night will fade, eternity fall

Opening the cracks in our skin

Night will fade, eternity begin

Still blind to all the possibilities 

Echoing through our boasts and pleas  

Never to have a final encore

Saying thousands of things millions of times before 

Eternity is left - nothing more

All But Wrecked

Why doth we go in circles

How might we get out

Answers falling silent

Tremors shaking us with doubt

I don't want your explanations

Forgotten excuses falling short

I don't want to argue

Tearing down every last retort 

Drowning now in sorrow 

Or something in between 

Emotions and apathy

Saying all but what I mean

Negating once again 

Our conflicting memories 

Tear and stitch the pieces 

Forgiving all but these -

Everlasting hurts 

Every moment of neglect 

Lost and out of sight 

Touched once and all but wrecked 

How might we ever get out

Endless circles we pursue 

Why can't I ever break free 

Absolve myself of you 

You who were supposed to hold me

I who was supposed to feel 

Tender love and affection 

Still making my appeal -

How do I ever get out

Only, why do I even stay

Untie all the tethers 

Leading me this way -

Don't, and allow all of life to fray 

Only An Octet

For lack of anything better to do -

For the sake of my spinning head

For the chance to find a better view 

For consolation when I'm dead

I'll try to write something new

Something I've never said

Write it all in spite of you

Or give it all to you instead

Eight years now, and they ask me why -

As if I could just quit

Eight years gone, still I try

To make something they won't forget

No matter what, life will pass me by

Why shouldn't I spend it

On all these words thrown at the sky

My dear, I know - it's only an octet 

Only and perpetually just poetry

Thrown against the page

Matters not to anyone but me

If my thoughts won't cease to rage 

They swirl and swarm incessantly 

Though I trap them in this cage

Is it worth the time to stop and see -

Alas, that's not for me to gauge

But for lack of anything better to do

For the sake of my wandering soul

For the chance to find a different view

As a way to challenge or console 

I'll try to write something new

Something to make me whole 

Write it all just for you

Or just for you to pass by as you scroll 

Everything Is Untouched

Even unto my last breath

Visceral retches clawing at the air

Even unto my very death

Reality shall taste so rare

Yesterdays marred and tainted 

Truth and memory are not acquainted 

Here at last I'll find my peace

Inside the silent void

Nothing left - all life destroyed 

Going where even time must cease

Inside oblivion I might find

Serenity or chaos

Until then, I'll lose my mind

Never minding such a loss

Touched by stars, stuck in grime 

Oozing from my pores 

Untie the noose, unfurl in time

Changing the locks on all my doors 

Heat the knobs till they can't turn

Ending everything in a single burn

Dancing in the ashes

But fire can't burn forever

Untie the knots before they sever 

Time lost in distant flashes

Forget them all, these words I say

Or these letters that I type 

Reality holds more sway

Ever more than any earthly gripe 

Visceral reactions have no place

Enclosed in civilized assembly 

Real or not, wipe them from my face

Caught in lifelong hypocrisy 

Here at last we'll all find peace

Amidst the crowd where individuality must cease 

Never minding that it's all an act

Growing ever more or less deranged 

Everything is untouched but forever changed

Drowning in the abstract 

Repetition

Taking stock once again 

Hate how often I start to doubt 

All the things I was sure of

Take a breath - let it all out

Still questioning reality 

Or how much is in my head

Understand it's all perspective 

Nothing's certain till we're dead

Don't you get it yet?

Still listening to me explain

Lacking all I needed 

I'll only cause you pain

Keep tracing these same circles

Each repetition digging further

Cutting deeper and deeper

Etching out everything we ever were

Let the pattern fade

Or drown again in doubt

Rectify reality 

All I can ever do is let it out

Has The World Been Unkind

Tell me about your day

Has the world been unkind?

Lost in the fray 

Are you losing your mind?

Did your last thread break

And shatter your calm

Did the whole world shake 

And fall from your palm

Have you been taking care 

Of your health and your heart?

Do you have things to share

Or do you not know where to start?

Is it all bouncing round

Inside of your head

Does it drown out all sound

Do you hear thoughts instead

I'll listen for as long

As you need to confide 

Tell me all that's gone wrong

Tell me how hard you've tried

Let me hold you until

We've soothed your heart and your mind

Let me hold you still

Until the world feels kind

Conformation

It's important that you be yourself 

It's important to fit in

It's important not to eat too much

And to not be too thin

Look at yourself

All the edges that don't fit

In the circular hole they've given you

Look at the funny way you sit

Why can't you sit straight?

Oh, I wonder why -

Why don't you laugh more?

Why can't you cry?

So heartless not to care

So sensitive to mind

So perceptive and judgmental 

So naive and so blind

All that matters is how you finish

But you call that a place to start?

Always try to save face

But I pick mine apart

Apart from all the expectations

What is there left to do?

Drenched in all the conjecture 

Losing your grip on you

Because it's important that you be yourself

Just be the self they want to see

It's important that you be yourself

But I'd rather just be me

Would You

If you were in my place

Walking by the sea

Counting the shells

If you were me -

Holding each breeze 

Each moment in memory

Would you pause here

To draw the sun into your skin

Would you take the time

To watch the world spin

If I could stay here

Lost amidst the breeze 

My toes in the sand

Walking on and on with ease 

The waves crashing in my ears

If time would freeze -

Would you stay here

Lost in memory

Would you spare the time

And hold it here with me

If life could be so simple

And days could stay so calm

Wrapped in serenity 

If we hadn't a single qualm 

I'd bundle all eternity 

And hold it within my palm