Here & Now

To focus my mind on this now -

Oh, if I were made that way

When there's so much else to dwell on

So many other things to say

Too many to pin down now

In a time of new turmoil and old

Yet also this new certainty 

The thoughts all bend and fold

But try to think on this now

Where the changing ages meet 

The feeling of spilled time  

The sound of shifting feet 

We’re starting a new chapter here

Stepping into twenty-four 

Building something different 

Something I’ve never done before

It’s so hard to focus on right here

With such enticing things to plan

And all the latest drama 

Causing my mind to pan 

But try to value right here

This one day amidst three hundred sixty-five

The feeling of the sun

And the sound of being alive

Seeds

In time, what will matter -

With time, what has changed

Instances just scatter

Long hours all estranged 

Left gathering all that isn’t here

Like the hair behind my ear -

One more year to tuck away

Vigilantly, though I know

Each hour will always show

Years compile in every day

One more time, let us find what matters -

Undertake impossible tasks

Life is full of all that shatters

Indeed, both hearts and masks

Kept putting them back together

Evading such stormy weather 

Try to unlearn all these things -

How to live just to appease 

Eat your heart out, drink the breeze

Pull and cut these worn out strings

All this time, this is what mattered -

Scattering seeds to watch them grow

Softly repairing all that’s tattered 

I’ll stop to watch the sky glow 

Not to fret over time we waste

Gazing at things we never faced

Time continues either way -

I'll gather it here around me

Marching on to twenty-three

Eternity compiling every day

Always Hard[ly] Aging

We have reached some boring middle years 

The young twenties, you might say

When exact age hardly matters

And nothing changes day by day

Perhaps I'm doing it all wrong

These years shouldn't be wasted, so I'm told 

But I had no milestones this year

And it's got me feeling rather old 

How can I see movement 

With grades and graduations all forgot?

How can I measure my success

When ways to measure I have naught?

It's not really been a boring year

And there's been movement, I should know

I'm just not always good at

Giving myself time and space to grow

There are more steps to take in life

But they weren't for stepping this past year 

Twenty-one was for building 

All I have with me here

Building savings, building credit

Building experience - building me

A twenty-two year long project 

Is it yet finished?  Hardly!

I've hardly aged since last year

Still battling the marks on my face

Yet it's been a hard time aging

Always trying to find my place 

So have we reached some boring middle years?

It might sometimes feel that way

But life needn't rush so -

I'll enjoy what's here today

May It Ever Be

What is there to say?

Another year - another day

Building it all up, watching it all fray

Places to go, but I haven't found my way

Just what am I supposed to say?

What have I said so far?

Trying always to reach that bar

Stretching up to caress each star

Soothing every bruise and scar

What in the world have I said so far?

What am I supposed to do?

Something good - something true

Promise always to see it through

If only the way I knew

Just what am I supposed to do?

What have I done worthwhile?

None of it is tactile 

None of it important enough to compile 

Aside from meriting your smile 

What else could possibly be as worthwhile?

So what is there I could possibly say?

How can I accurately convey 

All the things that have and have not gone my way

In my twentieth year and a day?

I'm still just beginning to find my way

So what is there that I might find

In a world that isn't always kind

In my heart and in my mind

With my thoughts so intertwined?

May it ever be: never ending moments where the stars are aligned 

A Place To Begin

Dusting off the day
Enter my head - what shall it say?
After all that's happened since the last

Recalling all that has passed

I suppose I've once again spun

Around our blazing, boiling sun

Making fading memories

Nodding softly in the breeze 

Oh, they've only just begun

To dance they're twisting, spiraling dance

Winding down each choice and chance

Hold on tight - we've time left still

And a lifetime of blank space to fill

Take my hand and run with me -

Yesterday's gone and I've things to see

Over the mountains and through the sky

Until I've nowhere left to fly

Hunting every possibility 

All I must do first is quit

Doubting myself and shrugging a forfeit

Try as many times as I must

Hands aren't meant for collecting dust

Of all the things I could be and have been

Up to this point, and after my twentieth spin -

Gathering new things to try for a while

Holding onto the ones that make me smile -

Til the end, there's no end - just a place to begin

Strange Familiarity

Shall I be overly dramatic today?
Perhaps not, just for a change
The scenery remains
So familiar, yet newly strange

That's the way of life
Everything suddenly going south
That's just the way I am
Too many words stuck in my mouth

The end of forever
Feels like so long ago
Yet I'm just beginning
There's so much I still don't know

A whole year gone and gained
Past sounds echoing through
Stuck in an age neither young nor old
Constantly finding and losing myself too

And where did all the time go?
It left with such speed
Always feeling so rushed
Yet the days are a slow bleed

And nothing's going to be the same
That was my proclamation
My small world kept growing
With no explanation

And so much has happened
It's been my busiest year
And so much has changed
Though I'm still right here

I've changed, and I'm still me
So familiar, yet newly strange
Traded old thoughts for new experiences
It's been a formative exchange

That's the way of life
Sometimes things go south
Eighteen was a trying year -
I still have a smile playing across my mouth

And too many words
Bleeding through my hands
And malleable scenery
With a nineteenth year's worth of plans

Revision

Oh dear - I'm getting older
How strange it all seems
All the troubles and the changes
To reality and my dreams

The things I wish to cling to
That fade away so fast
My small world that's growing
So very vast -

But wait - I demand a moment
To stomp my foot and proclaim -
"Yes, today's my birthday
But some things are still the same!"

The greenish brown color of my eyes
The dimple in my cheek
The gap between my teeth -
My smile, my ears, my widow's peak -

My love of writing and drawing -
My heart is much the same!
Full for family and friends
Though sadly prone to anger and flame . . .

There are good changes I could make -
Hard as they may be
Improvement requires revision
And there are things I must amend in me

Change is very daunting
But I need to learn to want it
More than the comfort of
What is familiar to my spirit

So let me take a moment
To breathe deeply and proclaim -
"Today's my eighteenth birthday
And nothing's going to be the same"

Movement

17th birthday
Today I feel
Happy enough
Though a little unreal

There's a sense of disappointment
Because nothing's really changed
There's a ping of loss
Because somethings have been estranged

A feeling of worry
Of things changing in my life -
While I bemoan the sameness
A double-edged knife

A wondering feeling
Where did all the time go?
It left with speed
But the days felt slow

I have a deadly fear
Of being unprepared
I had a sinking feeling
That no one really cared

I have a questioning mind
That loves to learn
That searches for answers
And questions every turn

See, I'm not in a hurry -
I'm dragging my feet
But my legs keep running
There are expectations they must meet

It is those three things -
My fear, mind, and legs -
That make me seem in a hurry
Though I'm walking on eggs

I'm in no rush to be older
I'd reschedule if I could
Each year I feel I've done less
Though all I needed to, I withstood

But I'm happy still
Reading this, you might not get why
For a smile is harder to form into words
Than fears, cold and dry

I'm proud of my 16th year
I did pretty well
I may not have soared among stars
But I also never fell

Growing older is hard
And I feel with age I should improve
I push myself a lot
And get mad when I don't move

I doubt I'll ever have a birthday
Where I don't feel I've wasted time
But neither will there ever be a day
Where I don't smile at these silly things I rhyme

Sweet Sixteen

So what now?
Weathering to make the bow
Echoing the past sounds
Earnestly abounds
Twisting the sixteenth wound

Soft and wild

Inching away from being a child

XVI is much too old
To act immaturely bold
Easily also too young to be
Experienced or speak wisely
Not that that'll stop me

~

So I'm only sweet just now?
Silliness, take your bow
For surely you've won this round
As people chant your sweet sound
So am I no longer a child?
But still not viewed as an adult so mild
The contradictions leave me cold
Stuck in an age neither young nor old
Can't be shallow but can't speak deeply
But you just try and stop me

The End Of Forever

It is not hard
To think of life
Going on and on
Nothing changing
Always the same
Everyday
Week
Month
Year
Routine
The same day
Over and over
It is not hard
To imagine
Never growing
Older
Always being
Fourteen forever
Never aging
Never changing
Never worrying
About the future
A future of
Work
And marriage
Children
And choices

It is hard
And it is scary
To think of aging
Of changing
Of life
Moving on
Until death
Claims me
Forever
I can't think of falling
Asleep and never
Waking again
I can't imagine
Life
Time
Thoughts
Stopping
Forever
But someday
It will
I don't know how
To cope
Prepare
Accept
My fate
My future
My end
How can I?

It is hard
Because life
Won't go on and on
Never changing
Our routines
Alter
Our habits
Transform
Our days
Blend
Gone
So fast
And suddenly
There's no time left
To play around
Because now
You need a job
Now
You must get married
Now
Have kids
Now
Raise them
Now
Die

But still life
Continues on
Now I'm fifteen
A whole year gone
A whole year gained?
Maybe it's not so bad
To age
To change
To gain
Experience
And wisdom
And the sadness
Of one day
The fear
And the decay
All blend
With the happiness
And growth
Of the next
And vice versa
So that the happiness
Wished upon me
For my birthday
This year
Will stay with me
Forever
Until
My forever
Ends