Life That Did Die

I'm wasting time skipping pages
Skimming through the ages
Once upon a time - the end
Once upon an enemy - a friend
Once upon a nightmare - a dream
Once upon a loner - a team

Duos that didn't
Present days gone and went
Tired eyes that rested
Free birds that nested
Seas that ran dry
Life that did die

Life that did die?
And then the question why
Five stages, feels like more
Banging on a forever shut door
Crying out to the world
Under my blanket you'll find me, in a fetal position curled

We wasted so much time
Didn't think it such a crime
Didn't think it such a waste
Didn't yet have a taste
Of a life said and done
Darling, we should have run

You can't outrun death, they say
But you can run during life, night and day
Not letting the skimmed pages pile
Making it all worth while
Running for today and tomorrow
Because if tomorrow will ever come - you don't always know 

Follow Me Down

Marks on my hands
From pens and from pain
Dreams in my head
Some even sane

Down comes the ax
To chop off forgotten plans
Down comes the water
To wash off my hands

I'm listening, promise -
Just not to you
Headphones in
Listening to something true

I'm watching, swear
Through tinted glass
Imitations seen
I guess they'll pass

They move their mouth funny
Trying to shuffle words
They're jumping high
Trying to catch birds

I cut myself with erasers
Trying not to leave stains
I stay put
Trying not to rattle the chains

Shuffling meaningful words
Into meaningless lines
Flexing random muscles
Into an expression no one minds

Unique, you know
One in a million
Cliche and old
One of a trillion

Marks on my hands
From things I don't know
Dreams in my head
On we go

Modify Me

It's too blue
Change it
It's not bad
It just doesn't fit

We're looking for something
A little more pink
That just isn't for us
Don't you think?

Oh, no, no:
It's much too hot
We're looking for more a pastel
And that's, well, not

No!  Too soft!
Too pink, too light
Maybe purple's more your style
I'm sure you can get it right

Well, now that's too purple
Perhaps make it a little gray
Almost there now
You'll get there someday

Give it one more try
We're going to love it, I know
Just a little more work
Then watch how far you'll go

I am sorry, dear
Really, it's nothing wrong with you
It's just, well . . .
We're looking for something a little more blue

Unwell

There's no method to my madness
No reason in my rhyme
You're running out of patience
And I'm running out of time

In this dance of life
I spin and I fall down
I lost my ignorance
And you lost your crown

But what do you make of me?
Who do you think I am?
You discovered a slyness
And I uncovered your sham

I swear I'm not crazy
Just a little unwell
I may have went in circles
But you're the one that fell


There's no crazy in my madness
No rhythm in my rhyme
You've lost your patience
And I'm out of time

In this dance of death
I stop and I fall down
Have you ever been ignorant?
Have you ever been made to frown?

But what am I to make of you?
Just who do you think you are?
Any method for your means
And still you didn't get far

You swear you're not crazy
But you're more than a little unwell
So I'll circle away from you
As you fall into hell

[Un]Careful

Careful little eyes what you see
Eyes absorb the words and form opinions about me
Careful little ears what you hear
You think the tone of my voice often hides a tear
Careful little mouth what you say
Truly know someone before trying to make them okay

But careful little hands what you write
You're going to give your relatives an awful, awful fright
Careful little fingers what you type
Your mother's worries and fears will make her fret and gripe
Careful little mouse what you post
The percentage of things you say that concern people is, well, most

So careful little mind what you think
Stretching your horizon will only make people's impressions of you shrink
Careful little soul where you wander
While chasing after stars you'll often encounter thunder
Careful little brain what you dwell on
People will start to think your smile's just a con

So careful, careful little girl what you show
Of your pondering they do not want to know
Careful little child of staying young
If they see how much you've grown they'll burst a heart or lung
So careful little being what you do
Because I don't know if the world is quite ready for you

Even So

I've given up on life
Can you really blame me?
I've given up on life
Do you really think you can save me?

You don't know what to say
But I can't really blame you
I don't know what to say
And I can't ever change you

I just wanted to warn you
Of your lack of direction
Just wanted to show you
Your lack of perception

When will I get the chance again?
What?  In my lifetime?
When will she get the chance again?
To waste this one would be a crime

You hypocritic snot
I never had a shot
I'll never be enough
Though I give all I've got

There's nothing left to say
Not to the likes of you
But words still spill out
And my longing grew

I have a bad habit
Of driving people away
You have a bad habit
Of hating to stay

Substitute "life"
For a little word meaning "you"
Because you find meaning in my words
That just isn't true

And you find reasons in the air
To shut me out
And you find emotions on my face
That are so untrue I want to shout

Perhaps I read you wrong as well
Perhaps I am the one to blame
Even so . . .
It all ends the same

I will not follow you down
Just to have you sneer at me
I cannot drag you up
Because you won't work with me

So I've given up on you
Go ahead and blame me
But I can't keep dancing for you
And you won't ever change for me

Syllables

One-Two-Three
Play so care-ful-ly
Sing unto thee
Going one-two-three

Might I say
You look nice today
Dressed in black
Cry for what you now lack

Now might we
Dance for one-two-three
Twirl with me
Joyful de-ci-ded-ly

Do you hear the beat?
No small feat
For us to meet
In the numbered heat

Don't lose count, we
Go one-two-three
Number me
So I fit per-fect-ly

Numbered days
E-ffect-ing my ways
Did you not notice
The things we miss?

Do you feel it, the
One-two-three
Ruling you and me
De-ci-ded-ly

Skips and jumps
Loaded tongues and bumps
Sorry to push passed
But thoughts don't last

Not quite the same
Still in the game
Of one-two-three
No escape for me

Break the mold
Pes-si-mis-tic, cold
But deep down
You don't get why we frown

Evolve, world!
Re-al-i-ty curled
Into an unreal ball
Down we fall

"You make no sense!
Where is the - hence?
"What is your point?
Will you dis-a-ppoint?"

Prob-ab-ly, yes
Cuz life's a mess
No reason or rhyme
Just keeping time

Off on a tangent
Give a hint
To life's purpose
Will it be worth less?

Space is needed
Words aren't heeded
Actions aren't done
Yeah!  Now we've not won!

Call us a mess
Say it's pointless
Maybe they should point less
Won't confess

The moral isn't-
Speed, tangent!
Run from the questions
Someone mentions

Stop! You've run too far
Hello, bar
Can't ever reach you
Though I set you

Again; one-two-three
Care-ful-ly
No escape for me
Except-
             One-
                     Two-
                             Three   

The Land Of The Dead

Here I was led
But lightly I must tread
For I cannot lose my head
In this land of the dead

In the land of the fell or falling
There are evil things prowling
And temptations softly calling

With all morals shed
Sickness softly spread
For which there was no working med
But they do not lie sick in bed

No, they are all out and crawling
With the strongest ones brawling
On the sickest ones mauling

I wish to be in the living world instead
But with temptation I was fed
And now I shall be left for dead
Forever listening to the crazed voices inside my head 

Between Us All

Beckon to my
Empathy,
Tangled in
Wrongity,
Entwined
Eternally,
Never leaving
You
Or me.
Understandably
Acknowledging the
Narcissistically
Delusional
Morality that is for-
Ever impending.
Abashing any
Nerveless
Daydreaming,
Belittling
Every little
Tragedy,
Withstanding
Every
Endless
Never-
More.
Enduring
All of the
Never ending,
Declining
Yesterdays
Owning
Us all.

Unedited Vomit

How to deal with the endless sense of nothingness?
I lie on my bedroom floor, staring at the light fixture
From it hangs an art project I made years ago
It still hangs
But for how long?

How to deal with the ceaseless ebbing of life?
Writing this, my pen runs out of ink
I toss it, get a new one
Low and behold
It runs out too

And I throw it away, get number three
How many words had I written with it?
How many things did it help me say?
And I throw it out
Annoyed it didn't last another day

How to deal with the feeling that I'm a cliche?
"Oh, another nobody blogger
An unpublished poetry writer
Screaming at an unamused world"
"Oh, it's another teenager
Who thinks that they're so different
And feel so much harder
Thinking so much deeper
You'll be okay, cliche teenager"

How to deal with the judgments of the world?
The endless cries of be better
The cover up of - You're fine the way you are, BUT -
What are they trying to gain?
Make us all the same?

How to deal with the judgments of me?
I don't think I'm good enough, see
Write better, write more -
See these people? They're better, they work harder, they -
Get better, get better!
Get smarter, be faster, be stronger, be braver, be prettier, be -

How to deal with the endless words
Pouring from my heart, my mind, my spirit, my pen - ?
Vomit it onto the page
But it still sticks to my soul
The nagging voice, the hurtful sneers -
Vomit it, vomit it, and say it's not mine

This started as a letter to the rushing days -
But then two pens lost their ink
And the third won't stop vomiting

'Tis unedited vomit
As opposed to my normal revised posts
Where I take out some things - things too close to me
Unedited Vomit
Because today I feel slightly less sane than usual
Probably it's my iron deficiency - when I don't eat enough iron I get lethargic
Or perhaps I get lethargic when I've had an iffy day
But don't want to blame my mental state on . . . my mental state
And so blame IRON -

I feel I'm
Running so hard,
Onward towards
Nothing in particular . . .

Blame

Scribbling out the mischosen words
Caging the chosen birds
Sing to us your sweet melody
One that needs no redos, a true symphony

Perfection in your simple tune
Perfection in the craters on the moon
My scars are not quite so grand
My song is not something you can understand

From the ground to the sky
The voices that question why
Answers drift on the breeze
Offering nothing but a tease

Cards were dealt, cards we play
Blame the past for the mistakes of today
What is required, what we give
The choices we make, how we live

A simple tune so complex
Such little things creating ripple effects
Let no tears fall in the water
Cast in a lucky penny for no slaughter

I lost my voice in the fray
Turned a blind eye to feel okay
Plugged up my ears with a happy tune
Turned my mind away from the craters on the moon

And I scribbled out the truthful words
And caged once free-flying birds
And chose to hear only sweetness in their mourning song
 . . . I blame my hand - it was dealt all wrong

Between Me and You

Between me and you
Lies an ocean
Between me and you
We share emotion
Between me and you
There's so much distance
Between me and you
No resistance

Between you and me
We share our laughter
Between you and me
There's miles and miles after
Between you and me
You're in my heart
But between you and me
Is the space that keeps us apart

If You Care To Know

Like a pleasant painting
Lovely at a distance
Colorful and profound
Showing humility or omnipotence

The colors and the movement
That make you smile or cry
Things that make you feel
And think to question why

But move a little closer
You'll see all the detail
All the struggle and personality
That make it work or fail

You'll also see the mistakes
The faults and the quirks
The redos and the fails
The secret that lurks

With a pleasant painting
You may want to stay back
So you don't see the faults
The perfection everything must lack

But if you care to know
All the details that make the whole
Be prepared to find good and bad
In the painting of my soul

The Key To Happiness

When chocolate no longer helps
When the emotions get too strong
When the tears have run out
And everything feels so wrong

I'd like to say, "I'll be there
To help you through the pain"
But I'll be huddled in my bed
Hiding from the rain

I'm no prince charming
No knight so brave
I'm no wonder woman
I don't own a bat cave

I'm just me
And I get scared
I've run away
From people who cared

You see, hearts are so fragile
They so easily break
And my hands are not steady
They so easily shake

Do not hand me your heart
Unless you wish it shattered on the floor
Don't invite me in
Unless you plan to prop open the door

You see, my chest is too strong
My rib cage too thick
My heart must stay put
It is not an apple you can pick

My heart is guarded by Fear
And Expectations
By Worry and Pain
All armed with harsh guns

So, you see, you may not have it
It belongs in my chest
So don't give me yours
If you must, wear a heart-stopping vest

Keep your heart stopped where it is
Or give it to anyone but me
I'm not to be trusted
With your happiness key

Homograghs Of Life

Tears [water] behind the smile
Tears [rips] inside my heart
Tears shed in secret
Tearing me apart

I feel so alone
In the desert [sand] of my mind
How could you desert [abandon] me?
Combing through the sand, there's nothing to find

I signed a contract [paper] with the devil
That contracts [shrinks] my soul
I signed a contract with the devil
That's turned my resolve to coal

But I object [protest] against their worry
And I deny my [water] tears
Don't treat me like an object [thing]
Made only of pain and fears

I refuse [reject] your hand -
I need no pity from you
Your words are refuse [garbage]
There's nothing you need do

I won't present [display] to you my heart
It's not a present [gift] I will be giving
I loved you in the past
The present [now] is where I am living

I've wound [turned] the clock again
I've erased these wounds [hurt] of mine
So now let me forget you
So I can be fine

The wind [breeze] tousles me hair
While the stars wind [turn] behind my eyes
The muscles open your mouth
And out march the lies

Be gone, cupid's bow!
I bow [kneel] to you no more
Yes, once you were close [near] to me
But now it's time to close [shut] that door

You have no right to tear [rip] me up again
And I will let my eyes tear [cry] no longer
Tears were necessary for the time being
But now it's time to be stronger

Constellations

The constellations on my skin
Tell the story of where I begin
The flowing water on my head
Tell of secrets I have shed
The landscape of my face
Tells of my shame and disgrace
The canyons of my ears
Echo all of my fears
The cracked cave of my lips
Tell of sunken dreams and ships

My life is mapped across my bones
Landmarks of hugs and stones
Selling secrets of the good and bad
Speaking of the life I have had
Little rivers of stretchmarks and growth
Deeper waters of scars and blood oath
Mountains of achievement and wins
Canyons of regret and sins
Bubbling springs of joy and laughter
Waterfalls of tears and lost ever-after

I want to trace your story across your skin
Study the constellations of triumph and sin
I want to learn every secret written there
Because I love you, because I care
And I will show you the story of me
Will teach you every nook and cranny
I want you to know me, I want to know you
And you want to become one, never again two
So let us place a new constellation on our skin
To tell the story of where we begin

Sweet Sixteen

So what now?
Weathering to make the bow
Echoing the past sounds
Earnestly abounds
Twisting the sixteenth wound

Soft and wild

Inching away from being a child

XVI is much too old
To act immaturely bold
Easily also too young to be
Experienced or speak wisely
Not that that'll stop me

~

So I'm only sweet just now?
Silliness, take your bow
For surely you've won this round
As people chant your sweet sound
So am I no longer a child?
But still not viewed as an adult so mild
The contradictions leave me cold
Stuck in an age neither young nor old
Can't be shallow but can't speak deeply
But you just try and stop me

Happy Mother's Day

Happiness is
Catching your smile
Hope is there
Wrapped in a while
Every inch and for every mile

Moments turned hours
Hours turned days
Altogether making
Paths to our ways
Love everlasting
Love argues still
Wonder as you always will

Daring and tender
Patient and striving
Oh, you are the reason I'm thriving

Round And Round

Running out of things to say
But so much has been left unsaid
Tired of life moving so fast
But I so don't want to be dead
Daydreaming has gotten old
But I still play them in my head

Pumping iron day and night
With my body and my mind
Trying to move so very fast
But I still feel left behind
Holding down the fast-forward
While still pressing the rewind

Living in the moment leaves
No point for plans or school
But living for the future leaves
No time to relax or cool
So how am I supposed to live?
Perhaps I am just a fool

Only the strong will survive
But the meek will inherit the earth
Only work will pay off
But I was given these genes at birth
If someday I will die
Then what is life really worth?

The fear of death, of nothingness
Has inspired many a great thing
The fear of being forgotten
Has inspired many a king
I try to fill the nothingness
But my words can't make it sing

Where will I go when I die?
Who is to say?
Many nations have afterlives
Did they just make them up to feel okay?
My soul will go on for eternity
Or maybe just a day

People are dying all the time
While others are being born
People are laughing and having fun
While others cry and mourn
So how can I know what to feel
Aside from feeling torn?

And so I go, round and round
Questions circle inside my head
I don't want to say anymore
But so much has been left unsaid
I don't want to wonder anymore
But I so don't want to be dead

Speaking Of Things

A splash and a bang
A hug and a fang
You know my name
But you don't know my game

Spinning out rhymes
Not keeping up with the times
Of unrhymed verse
My gift and my curse

Lyrics stuck in my head
Keeping me awake in bed
But in the morning, where'd they go?
My pencil does not know

Speaking of things
And unfalled kings
Their followers risen
Puts them in a prison

My point here is
Don't too much enjoy the fizz
In the pop of life
In the end it cuts like a knife

As long as you pay
They can't take it away
But they can still glare
And say it's unfair

Life is a balancing act
Balance in my life has been lacked
And so I fall again and again
But I swear someday I will win

Oh, but isn't that convenient?
Ramrod straight splint
Holding my head high
Aside from when I bow it and cry

I do not know where to end
I do not know how to make a friend
Mystery upon mysteries
But for now the mystery of my words will freeze 

Between You And Me

But what?

Empty as a cut

Trying to stay shut.

What have you done?

Enter with none

Exit and run

Neither has a gun

Yieldings no fun

Others do shun, but not

Under the sun.

After it all

Nothing's too small, and

Danger does call

Many will fall, but you're

Ethereal.

2 Years And Counting

1 day and counting
2 days gone by
3 days trying
4 days, oh my
5 days working
6 days no play
7 marks a week
And we mark our 8th day

1 week and counting
2 weeks I write
3 weeks, oh joy
4 weeks no fight

1 month finished
2 months done
3 months striving
4 months no fun
5 months pleading
6 months I dream
7 months hoping
8 months I scream
9 months I whisper
10 months I shout
11 months I question
12 and I must take 1 foot out

1 whole year of thoughts
Of word upon word
So can you really blame me
For wondering if I'm heard?
Because this day marks
A whole two years
Of hopes and dreams
Worries and fears
Of fiction and truth
And some things in between
Of laughter and tears
And figuring out what I mean

2 years and counting
Will you stay and count with me?
For 3, 4, 5, 6 . . .
Until the end of my eternity

Frozen Heart

Shivering in the cold
I tell a tale of old
Of a knight so very bold
And a heart he so foolishly sold

To see a lady fair
He traveled here and there
But the villain does not care
For love does not share

The icy breeze
Thus did freeze
And lost the keys
The knight paid the fees

Cold nose running
Villain so cunning
People thus shunning
Fair lady gunning

A spin and a twirl
The world thus unfurl
Lady toss a curl
The villain is the girl

The knight sold his heart
With his love he did thus part
For the villain has a cart
Of love stained with poison dart

My hands are a shaking
This cold, moral breaking
Her laugh, ground quaking
Hearts she is thus taking

Too cold to stay
The knight did away
But first he did thus pay
And how his heart did fray

I pull a scarf up over my nose
The knight's heart the lady froze
On display it now shows
That man who doth come to lady, without heart he goes

Expressing Expressions

I was born
With two left feet
Uncoordinated
Can't keep a beat

My fingers
Are all thumbs
Messing things up
Creating crumbs

I've got a pair of eyes
In the back of my head
Untrusting
Tears unshed

Hand to mouth
Is how I live
Forgotten dreams
Are what I give

Knee deep
One foot in the grave
Pay through the nose
Nothing left to save

On my shoulder
Rests a chip
On my back
Resides the whip

I give an arm
Then a leg
The earth gives a quake
Then a plague

I've got my fingers
In all the pies
The frog in my throat
Tells many lies

But only if
The cat lets go of my tongue
Only if
The foot in my mouth doesn't fill my lung

I cannot see
Beyond my nose
Like a weed
It always grows

I've put one foot down
Stuck the other in the door
One hand tied behind my back
The other's keeping score

My head's in the clouds
And also stuck in the sand
My fingers scrape the sky
While worms caress my hand

I've got a heart of gold
That is made of stone
On my sleeve
It's plainly shown

So here it is
For all to see
What exactly it is
Depends on what you make of me

What I Am

I am
A teenage girl
Sitting here
Watching my life unfurl
A drama queen
An introvert
A no-nonsense
Little flirt

I am
An artist
Smiling face
Clenching fist
Blackened hands
From pencil lead
Scribled words
From my head

I am
My parent's daughter
Confident
And unsure
I have their strengths
And their faults
I have their love
And their vaults

I am
A dreamer
Dark worlds
Need a redeemer
Flitting thoughts
Need some ground
Silent worlds
Need some sound

I am
A sister
The worst pain
The best cure
A shoulder
A back hand
Head in the clouds
Feet mainly on land

I am
Little old me
Grown so much
Got years before I'm twenty
Dreaming big
Living small
Try to fly
Instead I fall

I am
A writer
A peace loving
Vicious fighter
A fun loving
Snooty snob
A loner
Worth a mob

I am
What I am
Like the rest
The black lamb
So very hard
I always try
And maybe, just maybe
This time I will fly

Pendulum's Crown

Spinning round and round
Without need of ground
With no outer sound
The prince thus was crowned

Water pours into a cup
The prince, only a young pup
So high on pedestal been put up
Wine spills from the cup

Wisdom flows from hidden springs
Unbeknownst to most kings
They sit and watch as pendulum swings
Age the only thing it brings

Smiling face of such a child
Pendulum has yet defiled
Thoughts so soft and mild
Pendulum thus make them wild

Hard set face of crowned boy
Pendulum will thus destroy
All small faces that play with toy
The minute soldiers it doth deploy

With every soldier cometh thing called Age
Trapping younglings in a work filled cage
Filling them with wear and rage
Turning page upon page

Soon all the pages will run out
The wild thoughts will no longer shout
The world will fill with such doubt
Searching for a reason of the happiness drought

Reverse the pendulum, if only
There was a way to that they could see
Stop the soldiers so lonely
To stop the age that kills them and me

But stop the pendulum and what comes next?
Wondering people so perplexed
No reason to live in that hex
Rather have the Age and the vex

The world keeps spinning, round and round
Giving life and returning to the ground
Life; laughter and tears, the only sound
For to have life, pendulum must also be crowned

Something To Believe In

My life
Is a tiresome routine
I go about my day
Saying things I don't mean
I go about my night
Wishing I could sleep
I go about the people
Wishing there was one worth trying to keep

My home
Is chipped and stained
By vicious tears
And smiles feigned
By faking friends
And thrown fists
By forgotten duties
And torn up lists

My world
Is full of dangers
People to avoid
And smiling strangers
Slithering snake
Circling fin
I want away from it all
I need something to believe in

My body
Is just trying to survive
I just want
To feel alive
Without any
Of life's pain
Without emotions
That I don't want to feign

My soul
Needs more
Than chips and stains
And slammed door
Than stifled cries
And regretted sin
I just need something
To believe in

My dreams
My hopes and fears
They stay hidden
Along with my tears
Why must they refuse
To come true?
Why can't I break
Away from you?

My prayer
If it be heard
Is to fly away
Like a beautiful bird
To have a home
With no stains
To have a life
With no pains

My life
Will be my own
I will make my way
That much is known
It won't be easy
Especially when I first begin
But I know I can do it
For I am the something I found to believe in

Alive

I started the new year
Alone
On a couch
Eating chocolate
Watching a movie I've seen a million times

I went to bed at 12:30
Fell asleep at 2
Woke up at 9
Too early for a Sunday
But at least now it's tomorrow

Because yesterday I listened
To the people outside getting drunk
And setting off fireworks
Like the bang of a gun
BANG!

Why do they all
Want to start the new year drunk
Kissing a stranger as the ball drops
Making stupid choices
They won't even remember making?

I was alone
Because I spent the night at my sister's
And she clocked out at 11
And her baby woke her up at 9:30
Too early for a Sunday

If it weren't for the fireworks
I wouldn't have even realized
When midnight hit
And now it's today, the first of 2017
And nothing has changed

People make resolutions
And break them soon after
People say thank god 2016's over
But they'll treat 2017 the same way
So why do we celebrate?

I don't know about them or you
But I celebrate because-
I am alive
I survived another year
And nothing majorly bad happened during it

I celebrate because-
This year I can try more
I can be better
I may fail, like I have before
But I can still try

But, you know what?
I do not need
A whole new year
To have a whole new start
I don't even need a new day

Every minute is a chance
To try harder
To give more
To be the change
You want to see in the world

So treat every day
Every minute
Every second
Like it's the beginning of a new year
But not by making stupid choices you won't remember making

But by having resolutions
And believing you'll keep them
By celebrating the fact
That you
Are still
Alive