Empty Space

Tell me, if I swear to be honest -

Honestly, would you promise to be kind?

Echoes of old memories

Echoes I don't want to find

Make believe it was for the best

Pretend it doesn't affect things anymore

Tormented with anxious attachments -

You traced insecurities into my core

Swore to be honest, but I lie to myself

Pretending you didn't see

All the manipulation and pressuring -

Claiming it was all for the love of me

Empty space is all that should be left now

Growing solid and secure

Really, what's accumulated -

Echoes of all the reasons to feel unsure

Why can't I just forget?

Sometimes, somehow, I do

Old echoes falling silent 

Listen, really - I'm over none of it but you

I swore, so here I am, in honesty 

Do you think even for a moment you ever kept your promises to me?

~

The Empty Space Between Us

The Empty Space Accumulated

Maybe

Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all

Maybe it's better that way

To let it all fade and forget

Rather than holding onto yesterday -

Because I suppose I had to be lying

When I said that I needed you

Because I'm surviving just fine now

. . . I guess I just wanted you to say it too

And maybe I'll understand it all someday

Or maybe I won't even care

And I'll forget how it felt to have your arms around me

And the feeling of my fingers in your hair -

Because I suppose I had to be lying

Said I'd always love you even though

Love was something you would profess

But never could show

Maybe I was just fooling myself

Maybe it never meant as much as I thought

Because I spent too many tears

On moments that weren't worth being bought -

Because I suppose you had to be lying

When you said I was worth it

When you said you'd hold on this time

And promised we would never be a regret

Maybe there's a lesson to be learned

But I doubt I'll let it sink in

Because I can't quite hide away my heart

Just because of when -

We both lied to ourselves

And to each other too

And let go of everything else

To hold onto me and you

Get Out Of My Head

Grind it into dust

End the torment, please

Torch it all to nothing

Observe the ashes in the breeze 

Undo all that was done

Take back every word

Obliterate every glace

Forget all we heard

Memories must fade

Yet they seem to refuse

Hearts remaining full of them

Echoes of my muse

And it'll only end in tears

Dear, I'm tired of trying to heal this bruise

Orion

Isn't it over yet?

Haven't we tried hard enough?

Act it all out again

Veer away and call my bluff 

Entreat the sky one last time -

Near enough to taste it

Orion dances on my head

Twirling in ways I'll never forget

Hold on tightly so you don't slip

Ice racing beneath our feet

New bruises peppering my skin

Gracing every sheet

Laugh it off - they'll never know

Enjoy each moment while it's here

Floating away with every breath

Twirling with you so near

I will never call your bluff -

Not that it matters anymore

Softly absorbing every lie

Ice seeping into my core

Don't ruin it yet

Entreat the sky - hold on tight

Orion's spinning wildly now

Falling through the variety of his plight

Maybe I'll sort out the story in the end

You'll understand every angle

Caught up in all the details

Harsh as opinions mangle 

Entreating the sky one last time -

Softly, quietly, as if it's a crime -

To attempt to hold onto something so sublime

Infinity

Slow as the days may pass

Obvious as I may be

I'll move onward

Saving your seat, infinity 

As quickly as the years go by

Vicious as the cycles are 

Echoes tethering us to memories 

You'll see our spark in every star

Offering time til it runs out

Until someday comes too late

Running scenarios in my mind

Still, I can't stay here and wait

Echoes attempt to pull us back

After all we've been through

Taking my sweet time

I would have given all that time to you

Natural as it somehow seems 

Forgo all that to find

Infinity's unanswerable questions 

New thoughts shall circle inside your mind

I will save your seat, infinity

Though time may alter you and me

Years may pass - still this will be

Flow

Thoughts spiraling still
Heart crumbling slowly

Echoing memories surrounding 

Distractions running out on me

Endless hours stretching on

Always wishing them away

Too many wasted seconds

How am I supposed to be okay?

Putting on a smile still

All too many reasons why

No one would understand anyway

Go on - it does no good to cry

Still, my strength falters

Or maybe it's always been a façade

Forever redefining how I see myself

Like shifting waters that are always flawed

Observe the whirlpool that is my mind

Now move on and forget

Grown accustomed to being a second thought

Crashing water - someday I'll drown in it

Heaven sent down a breeze

Entreating the faces to smile

Rain crept slowly in -

Into their stomachs to stir up bile

Spit it out and drink it in

Hoping and pushing it away

Erasing convictions and making them

Don't know how to make it all okay

Holding myself to such high standards -

Only have to fix everything, you know

Pour my heart out - suck it back in

Emotions must be controlled, but my thoughts still flow

Forbidden Fruit

Tis the beginning of a new day

Yet tis the end, I suppose they say

What can I do, but watch it all disappear?

What can I think, with all that I hear?

All their opinions invade my head

Shall it confuse me until I'm dead?

Or shall it all fade from my mind?

Oh, if only the world were so kind

So shall I in anger slam the door?

Avow to be swept away no more

Assert every word we breathed, we lied

Shall my emotions I simply try to hide?

Or shall I daydream and never move on?

Forever insisting you're not really gone

Shall I resign myself to one fate?

Only accept what's been put on my plate

I could go on, but, alas, it's all moot

For I am only forbidden fruit

And what are you - what be thy name?

Made from ice, and I am flame

Get too close and you'll only melt

How could you not, with all that we felt?

Now you will freeze into something new

Best of luck finding a mold to suit you

Careful now, for I know I'm fire -

How shall you ever be happy when you push back what you desire?

And I shall blaze and smolder on

Wondering at all we've forgone

My thoughts like sparks dancing overhead

Spurred on by thoughtless flames that we fed

Knowing all along that water and fire

Are not something the other ought to desire

Though, in truth, I doubt you ought to be cold

You shan't find your true breadth inside of a mold

But, like roses wither, resolve fades away

Even those forged in fire can't always stay

Yet here I am, talking to you still

Why do I bother?  You'll do what you will

So shall you resolve to slam the door?

Let me burn you up no more

Shall you daydream and never move on?

Forever hoping what we had isn't gone

I could go on, but you know it's all moot

For I am only forbidden fruit

Morning Dreamer

Maybe I could change it

Or pretend I'm not me

Naturally, forget 

Cast my gaze to the sea

Or perhaps to the sky

Everyone asks why

Until I concede 

Rambling on about it still 

Battering and bruising my will

And my heart may bleed

Till I wake one bland day 

Like one from a cocoon

And life will start to weigh 

Calloused and lonely moon

Had to please everyone

And let go of the sun

Maybe I could change

And chase after what I desire 

Dreaming always of that fire

Escape pressures range 

Pulled back to the morning

Or to a flaming dream

Until they give warning

Rush away from each beam 

Told what to be and do

Oh, if I could be you

I'd choose to be a morning dreamer - it's true

If We Never Forget

I knew you before we met

    I'll push back the memories and try to forget

Felt things I couldn't admit to yet

    Fading thoughts of what we'll never get

We stayed to watch the credits end

    Writing messages I'll never send

Enjoyed the presence of such a close friend 

    Each heartache is so hard to mend

Never felt like that before

    Not sure what it was all for

Every smile made my heart soar

    Every memory has left my heart sore

Verily amazed by our similarities 

    Vast as our differences may be

Each day connecting more wholly 

    Echoes of each thing you couldn't accept about me

Reality never made more sense, it's true

    Relapsing is still such a tempting thing to do

Felt more myself when I was with you

    Falling in addiction with love too

Our fingers gently intertwined

    Our moments forever stuck in my mind

Rambling words, soft and kind

    Rash decisions that we can't rewind

Gone were the days of loneliness

    Gone are the days I can't help but miss

Etching yourself deeper into my heart with each kiss

    Echoes of such forsaken bliss

Told me you wanted to hold on and we'd never let go of this

    Told me to hold on, and then you let go of us 

Captivate

What shall I do now?

Oh, if only I knew

Uncertainty bathes my head

Like my thoughts of you

Don't want to think

In these silly circles anymore

Twirling in memories and dreams

Buried in rambling words from times before

Endings aren't definite

Time makes them a reality 

Only, I don't want it to

Observe how ridiculous I can be

Days will pass - I'll be fine
Reality will eventually dispel
All the heartache and memories
My pen wishes to tell

Advised against it - still I hoped

Though I knew you'd never be mine

I let myself wonder -

Could our fates intertwine?

Too dramatic and bookworm-ish 

Only, that's what I liked most about you

Said such wonderful things

And I wanted to believe they were true

You captivated me, and then you let me go too

Dawn

Such a strange mix of emotions

I can't sort them out

To translate into words

That'll let anyone know what I'm talking about

Other's words work better

Mine just don't fit

Because "all I do is get over you

And I'm still so bad at it"

I just keep scribbling out sentences

None of them are quite right

I keep convincing myself I'm fine

But I don't really sleep at night

Yet I can't shake this feeling

That everything will be okay

That it all was necessary and worth it

And, despite what some may say -

You were worth the struggle

And all the heartache

Just for a moment, we were meant for each other

And I can't view any of it as a mistake

That's why the emotions are so confusing 

I hurt so much, and not at all

It's not a numbness or an apathy

Just a tidal wave of thought through which I fall

"And it shall never end

For when we return to the dust we are

The love we shared will be sung

For all the endless ages to come by every star

And if we meet once again

We'll take up the song so long forgone

To sing of bliss forevermore"

But the stars fade with the dawn

I know I shouldn't think of you anymore

But I still worry about you, dear

I've always wanted you to be happy

Much more than I've needed you here

And I know I shouldn't write about you anymore

And should really try not to care

But I still listen to your playlists

And, partly just to spite you, I chopped off all my hair

You left a bookmark in one of my books

And a five year plan in my journal

And I don't know what to do with them

Harder still are the remnants that are internal

But everything returns to dust, so "that is all for the moment

Until next time - until then, do not worry"

Take a deep breath, let it go, and watch it all fade

As the first light of dawn reaches out to warm me

Tertiary Corollary

We almost had it this time
Echoing in my heart and mind

Shivering down my spine

How my thoughts tend to replay and rewind

Always figured we were meant to be

Laughing at the impossibility 

Lingering with your arms around me

Doubting still our durability

Reality has never measured up

Or we never let it

What's changed exactly?

Now are we simply desperate?

Or have we come to realize

Reality just doesn't make sense -

Really, unless we're together

Earnestly, I don't know if that's a pretense

After everything we've been through

Choosing to try to all again

Has me so very worried

Still, the possible good outweighs the possible pain

Hope is such a dangerous thing

Offering my heart in favor of it

Risking so much believing that

Echoing worries won't cause us to quit

Trying so hard to believe it

Oh, I want to, I do

Give me some time

Echos will fade - shall they outlast you?

Truly, I've always felt we're meant to be

How you've challenged that conviction 

Even though you felt it too

Risking once more valediction 

Don't give up on us, dear

Endeavor to hang on this time

And I'll hold you in my heart always

Remnants of you in every word that I rhyme

The Days That Never Came

Daydreams swirl around me
Remembering the days that never came
Enjoy pondering the possibility
Agitated that reality will never be the same

Memories that never were
Softly invade my head
Oscillate between my thoughts
Focused on words never actually said

Me and you, in an alternate world
Elated with no end
Me and you, what could have been
Only possible in the pretend

Reality attempts to dispel -
I continue dreaming
Endeavors to disenchant me -
Still, my thoughts are gleaming

Tomorrow, perhaps, I'll give it up
Haven't had the heart to yet
Agitating as it is -
Troubled me since the day we met

Never could get you out of my head
Endings haven't stopped you
Visiting my dreams so often
Enjoy the notions, and hate them too

Recalling a future that never was -
Wishes that reality will forever disclaim
Endeavoring to give them up, they
Remain through ice and flame

Echoing the days that never came

The Cost

I'll watch the sun set
Darkness slowly moving in
Over the land and through the sky
Night sinking into my skin

Once upon a midnight thought
Thinking of anything but you
Wishing on the stars
And everything else I'm supposed to do

Nature whispers in my ear
Tonight, we'll just forget
Tonight, we'll be at peace
Only, I must let go of everything sunlit

Tomorrow, we'll worry again
Hurry to finish it all
I don't care anymore
No - tonight, we can watch the rain fall

Killing time til I die
Always waiting for the stars to shine
Bathing in moonlight and thoughts
Opaque notions I can't define

Understanding everything
Tonight, I don't care
Yesterday, nothing made sense
Or vice versa, lying there

Until the starlight fills the air
All my thoughts will swirl
Near enough to touch now
You can watch me unfurl

Midnight will bring serenity
Opaque memories I'll leave behind
Rushing time will bring perspective
Eventually, I'll get you off my mind

Day turns to night - present becomes past
Each moment is slowly lost
And pain is the price of life sometimes
Really, it's not such an unreasonable cost

Echos

I ran out of things to say
How many words ago?
All the thoughts kept pouring out
Tighten my grip - go with their flow

Eyes are windows to the soul -
Tell me, what happens when we cry?
Has your soul dripped out yet?
Empty as a clear sky

What if I catch your tears
And hold them in my palm?
You can let go of the pain
I'll keep it until things calm

Loosen my grip - try to think
Of anything else at all
Vicious cycles circle the air
Enjoying everything but the fall

Turn up the music - turn off my brain
Humming memories flow
Echoing through every note
Warm feelings start to grow

And then it turned to bitter cold
You shiver too, I bet . . . I think
Ice grows so quickly
Told myself not to blink

How many words to go?
Useless amounts spiral out
Rolling off your tongue no more
Tightened lips full of doubt

Shiver - tremble - hold my tears
Well them up in my eyes
Has my soul dripped out yet?
Empty as a smiling guise

Notes still seep between my ears
I'll keep them until I'm calm
Listening to my memories
I'll feel your fingers in my palm

Silly tunes that always bring
Thoughts of your eyes - hands - smile
Enjoy them - hate them - need them
Needlessly torturing myself for awhile

Tighten my grip and try to think
Of anything else at all
I'll still allow them to replay
Til all the stars fall

Render

I suppose I might drown
Suppose I'm just a fool
I'll render and melt down
Into a flowing pool
Of passion and remorse
Time always takes its course
I'll evaporate
You can breathe me in and out
Back and forth again like your doubt
Leave it up to fate

I watched you as you left
Never asked you to stay
Now I'm feeling bereft
Lacking a smile today
Forever lacking you
Are you lacking me too?
Won't you let me know
If I ever cross your mind?
Forever wishing we could rewind
Time's persistent flow

It's getting late again
Darling, it's been so long
Still feeling all the pain
How did things go so wrong
When it always felt so right
Holding you in the night -
Do you remember
The way you set my heart ablaze?
Now I've spent so many days
Dousing each ember

And now I've grown so cold
You've gone so far away
Darling, I feel so old
Watching our edges fray
Time continues its course
Flows from an unknown source
It evaporates
Like everything we've ever said
Someday it's bound to leave my head
Helpless to the fates

You rendered me helpless
I rendered you a fool
Now I'm missing your kiss
Melting into a pool
I suppose I might drown
Rendering, I melt down
Dousing each ember
That used to blaze so brightly
Back when you said you couldn't even breathe without me
. . . Do you remember?

Tumultuous Tides

These feelings are hard to hold onto
Like grasping at sea foam
Joy used to last much longer
With you, everywhere felt like home

I watch the waves roll in
Watch the tide recede
Feel the laughter spill out
Feel my heart bleed

The sand between my toes
Burns the bottoms of my feet
The tightness in my chest
Mutes my heartbeat

The sun heats my skin
The wind tousles my hair
I attempt to convince myself
That I no longer care

The icy waters freeze me
The sunset might make me smile
Because time always insists
That I'll be fully happy in awhile

And though I know I told you
I always want honesty
I could really use a lie right now
So promise you'll remember me

Though time insists
That we'll both forget
I continue to wonder
If we're a lost possibility we'll always regret

But I'm just being dramatic
None of it meant anything at all
I watch the tides roll in
Watch the waves fall

Hear their eternal crashing
Tumultuous white noise in my ears
Water drops splash my face
Like your goodbye tears

Will you regret it eternally?
And will I ever find home?
But I'm just a lost possibility
And you're just some lines in a poem

The Empty Space Accumulated

Tell me, if I swear to be honest -
Honestly, would you promise to be kind?
Echos of past sentiments
Echos I can't get out of my mind

Moving further from me
Pulled your hand from mine
Told of future dreams
Yet our fates shan't intertwine

Sweet nothings that meant everything
Pleasing words that now sting
Afflictions that I wouldn't -
Couldn't give up for anything

Endeavored to be oblivious
And pretended there was a chance
Challenged the end, though inevitable
Clinging to our bittersweet dance

Undone as I am -
Memories pulling at my skin
Unable still to regret them
Lured onward by what might have been

Although you promised to be kind -
Traced my fingers and made me feel validated -
Emptiness still stretched between us -
Dividing always, the empty space accumulated

~

The Empty Space Between Us

Heartbeat

I heard your heart beating

Hugging you so tight

Ear pressed against your chest

Arms around me - it felt so right

Right now, I'm missing you

Don't really want to anymore

Yet, neither do I want to forget

Only, what was it all for?

Understand so little these days

Really, I've lost my head

Head - no, more my heart

Enthralled with everything you ever said

And I'd like it back, if you could

Really, I must protest

To you keeping it so long

Because, now, it belongs in my chest

Endings hurt like nothing else

And we've played them on repeat

Though it feels harsh -

I need this final end to be complete 

Not that it even really helps -

God knows, I still miss your heartbeat

Valediction

I'm trying to understand
All my racing thoughts
Make them into something coherent
Straighten out all the knots

Only, emotions get in the way
Racing hearts interrupt
Rambling words bathe my head
You always did manage to disrupt

I liked how you confused me
Didn't I know how it would end?
Only, when with you, I forgot
Now our hearts will just have to mend

Only, I still don't want
To lose you, you know
Put each other through a ridiculous amount
Ridiculous . . . I have to let you go

And I want to apologize -
You tend to take all the blame
Though I'm just as at fault -
Hope is a two player game

And I forgive you for it all -
Tainted love and varying conviction
We knew we'd never work -
Although your hope was my favorite fiction

You and I were but a dream, and now we must wake to valediction