Quaternary Blow

Time sucker punched me today

In my gut - knocking my air away

"Surprise!" it said, "Here's four years of your life

Gone forever - all the happiness and strife"

I doubled over in pain and realization 

I'd been so focused on my incoming high school graduation 

My blog's fourth anniversary had slipped my mind

"Forgetful child," time maligned 

"Four years of your life - and you forget!

How disappointed your younger self would be with all of it

Tests, invites, and driving - more crucial 

Than pouring out your soul?

Tell me, which will matter more when you're dead?"

I shrugged helplessly and sat down to hold my head

"Neither," I suggested with a nervous laugh

"None of this will matter half

As much as I thought it did -

What I showed and what I hid

In fear of what'd be thought of me

What I caged and what I set free-"

"Nonsensical poet," time chided, "You drift astray

From the point of the day-"

I crossed my legs and tilted my head

"The point being . . . what?" I said

Time held out a hand to help me to my feet

"You act as if I've been discrete!

Four years of your life - get your head out of the sand!

Get your hands out of your pockets and your feet back on land

It's your anniversary - be happy - celebrate!

Rather than never, let your smile be late

You've accomplished something - take a moment to reflect

Wash away the dust you allowed the past to collect

It's gone and done - you've made it through

But don't forget the lessons it taught to you

Store them in your mind neatly - not in your usual muddled bunch

And maybe next year you'll remember to block my punch"

Blank Pages

Not sure what to do
Now that the world's stained me black and blue
For bruises only heal
When the apology is real
Scars only fade
When repentance is made
All the lies are tearing us apart
No one around me seems to have a heart
They cannot, do not, will not love anymore
Lost at sea; can't find the shore
Drifting, drifting further out
Til no one can hear us shout
As we get eaten away by a ravenous shark
We close our eyes for fear of the dark

My mind is on a seesaw, going up and down
Wondering if I should smile or frown
Wondering if I should laugh or cry
Wondering if I should live or die
I've flip-flopped here and there
About whether or not I care
I just don't know anymore
Why I'm slamming the door
I just don't understand
Why I fall but never land
I just don't get it
Why is it I can't quit?

I just keep falling, falling
There's a distant voice calling
From the pit of my soul
Out of my heart of makeshift coal
Reverberating through my bones
Like a thousand phones
All ringing, ringing - all at once shrieking
And it feels like my brain's leaking
Through my ears and eyes
All while the voice cries
Words I can't make out
All being screamed in a shout

I'm standing here in the pouring rain
Turning numb to all the pain
And then masking my nothingness with a smile
My mouth tastes like bile
But I laugh, because that's what they want me to do
I've just been spit out - now they're bringing me back up to chew

I'm turning endless blank pages
Trapped in these cages
Can't find my way out
And I just need to shout
Stuck in the same old routine
Never saying what I mean
I'm only human, but I can't let them see
Or find out that truly
I'm so scared of making a mistake
I'm pretending to be someone fake

But what can I do about it?
Everyone's disapproving looks I dare not forget
Their disappointed sighs
That brought tears to my eyes
Are seared in my mind
Making my judgments blind
I'll do anything to avoid those looks
They've robbed me of my free will, the crooks
But I've allowed them to do it
Couldn't let myself forgive and forget
Couldn't go and set myself free
From these mistakes I'll remember for eternity 

Contrary Soliloquy

Is this what you want?
Spare time and stability
Do you know who I am?
You're giving up so easily

We worked so hard
They'll smother you in your sleep
Floating down gently
And cutting so deep

Toss and turn all you like
Old dreams wont be shed
Crack open my skull
Dig them out of my head


Another year slipped through my fingers
Still nothing to show
Another year chopped from your life
Trying hard to grow

We're still just a child
Can't we continue chasing dreams?
You're mellowing out
While I work in extremes

Some said I'd go places
Now you're leaving me behind
I'll search for hidden valuables
And admire what you find


Because you never asked for this -
The end of your childhood
I knew it was coming
But never really understood

We can't continue together
Yet you just can't smother me
A constant fight
Dreams vs stability

So have you found what you want?
Do you know who you are?
I'll fade into the background
And watch you go far

Ashes

Just trying to find some normalcy
Just trying to recognize these eyes
These harsh tones and sharp words
Cut until happiness dies

I'll be the sealed lips in the corner
Wearing a brave face and a hoodie
Like a child's safety blanket
Wrapped twice around me

Isolated as I am
With frost covered lashes
I know this isn't about me
But I'm crumbling to ashes

When has it ever been?
Never caused a moments worry
Bitten nails and tongues
The words become blurry

These things are true but I'm a liar
How are you to know?
Can't you read me like these words?
Fooled so long by my show

Trying to get a grip
You turn to smoke before my eyes
Grasping at air
Turning to ash as the fire dies

I need someone to hold me
But I flinch at your touch
I need you to hear me
But I don't talk much

I'm just crumbling now
I'll put myself back together soon
You have more important things to worry about
And I want to be a boon

But I listen to music when I'm upset
And lately I've heard too many songs
And I feel so helpless
Unable to right these wrongs

Can't you be the firm hand on my shoulder?
Raising me up when I fall down?
Can't you say you're proud of me?
Giving you no reason to frown

Because I don't want this to be normal anymore
But you don't recognize my eyes
And I've always managed without you
So like a lonesome phoenix, watch me rise 

Burn

Head bobbing
Mind fuzzy
Eyes starring
Rather blankly

Half listening
Don't you know
Hands clapping
Enjoy the show

Got to get out of the rhythm
The structure I put myself in
It all looks the same
Grimace or grin

I'd scream if I weren't
So darned concerned
Hands in my pockets
So they've never been burned

Far too many now
It won't ever quit
Forced into a structure
Such an easy fit

Such a good girl
Such an easy child
So helpful and truthful
So smart and so mild

So over it all
So tired of caring
About the words on my lips
And the expressions I'm wearing

So tired of myself
I can see it on my face
When I look in the mirror
I've fallen from my own grace

Head banging
Eyes shut
Edges fraying
Strings cut

Never listening
Bitten tongue
Tastes nothing
Blackened lung

Still stuck in the rhythm
The routine, the mold
It all looks the same
Stuck frozen in the cold

I'll scream some day
Stop being so concerned
Won't bore myself til death
Still . . . my hands have never been burned