Blank Pages

Not sure what to do
Now that the world's stained me black and blue
For bruises only heal
When the apology is real
Scars only fade
When repentance is made
All the lies are tearing us apart
No one around me seems to have a heart
They cannot, do not, will not love anymore
Lost at sea; can't find the shore
Drifting, drifting further out
Til no one can hear us shout
As we get eaten away by a ravenous shark
We close our eyes for fear of the dark

My mind is on a seesaw, going up and down
Wondering if I should smile or frown
Wondering if I should laugh or cry
Wondering if I should live or die
I've flip-flopped here and there
About whether or not I care
I just don't know anymore
Why I'm slamming the door
I just don't understand
Why I fall but never land
I just don't get it
Why is it I can't quit?

I just keep falling, falling
There's a distant voice calling
From the pit of my soul
Out of my heart of makeshift coal
Reverberating through my bones
Like a thousand phones
All ringing, ringing - all at once shrieking
And it feels like my brain's leaking
Through my ears and eyes
All while the voice cries
Words I can't make out
All being screamed in a shout

I'm standing here in the pouring rain
Turning numb to all the pain
And then masking my nothingness with a smile
My mouth tastes like bile
But I laugh, because that's what they want me to do
I've just been spit out - now they're bringing me back up to chew

I'm turning endless blank pages
Trapped in these cages
Can't find my way out
And I just need to shout
Stuck in the same old routine
Never saying what I mean
I'm only human, but I can't let them see
Or find out that truly
I'm so scared of making a mistake
I'm pretending to be someone fake

But what can I do about it?
Everyone's disapproving looks I dare not forget
Their disappointed sighs
That brought tears to my eyes
Are seared in my mind
Making my judgments blind
I'll do anything to avoid those looks
They've robbed me of my free will, the crooks
But I've allowed them to do it
Couldn't let myself forgive and forget
Couldn't go and set myself free
From these mistakes I'll remember for eternity