Contrary Soliloquy

Is this what you want?
Spare time and stability
Do you know who I am?
You're giving up so easily

We worked so hard
They'll smother you in your sleep
Floating down gently
And cutting so deep

Toss and turn all you like
Old dreams wont be shed
Crack open my skull
Dig them out of my head


Another year slipped through my fingers
Still nothing to show
Another year chopped from your life
Trying hard to grow

We're still just a child
Can't we continue chasing dreams?
You're mellowing out
While I work in extremes

Some said I'd go places
Now you're leaving me behind
I'll search for hidden valuables
And admire what you find


Because you never asked for this -
The end of your childhood
I knew it was coming
But never really understood

We can't continue together
Yet you just can't smother me
A constant fight
Dreams vs stability

So have you found what you want?
Do you know who you are?
I'll fade into the background
And watch you go far

Ashes

Just trying to find some normalcy
Just trying to recognize these eyes
These harsh tones and sharp words
Cut until happiness dies

I'll be the sealed lips in the corner
Wearing a brave face and a hoodie
Like a child's safety blanket
Wrapped twice around me

Isolated as I am
With frost covered lashes
I know this isn't about me
But I'm crumbling to ashes

When has it ever been?
Never caused a moments worry
Bitten nails and tongues
The words become blurry

These things are true but I'm a liar
How are you to know?
Can't you read me like these words?
Fooled so long by my show

Trying to get a grip
You turn to smoke before my eyes
Grasping at air
Turning to ash as the fire dies

I need someone to hold me
But I flinch at your touch
I need you to hear me
But I don't talk much

I'm just crumbling now
I'll put myself back together soon
You have more important things to worry about
And I want to be a boon

But I listen to music when I'm upset
And lately I've heard too many songs
And I feel so helpless
Unable to right these wrongs

Can't you be the firm hand on my shoulder?
Raising me up when I fall down?
Can't you say you're proud of me?
Giving you no reason to frown

Because I don't want this to be normal anymore
But you don't recognize my eyes
And I've always managed without you
So like a lonesome phoenix, watch me rise 

Burn

Head bobbing
Mind fuzzy
Eyes starring
Rather blankly

Half listening
Don't you know
Hands clapping
Enjoy the show

Got to get out of the rhythm
The structure I put myself in
It all looks the same
Grimace or grin

I'd scream if I weren't
So darned concerned
Hands in my pockets
So they've never been burned

Far too many now
It won't ever quit
Forced into a structure
Such an easy fit

Such a good girl
Such an easy child
So helpful and truthful
So smart and so mild

So over it all
So tired of caring
About the words on my lips
And the expressions I'm wearing

So tired of myself
I can see it on my face
When I look in the mirror
I've fallen from my own grace

Head banging
Eyes shut
Edges fraying
Strings cut

Never listening
Bitten tongue
Tastes nothing
Blackened lung

Still stuck in the rhythm
The routine, the mold
It all looks the same
Stuck frozen in the cold

I'll scream some day
Stop being so concerned
Won't bore myself til death
Still . . . my hands have never been burned

Renewal

I have my doubts
And anxieties
I keep myself warm
Turning away from the breeze

My skeletons are young
Flesh still dripping from their bones
My thoughts are fleeting
Blood racing with hormones

My eyes change color
Reflecting the answers in my head
It aches and throbs
In retribution for the flames I never fed

The fiery passion within
I smothered with harsh words and ice
Coldness grips my heart
It was never my device

I can't control my eyes
They leak and they turn red
I can't control my mouth
And the lies that it has bled

My heart races when it shouldn't
My voice shakes when I speak
My hands tremble often
I'm slow and I'm weak

My list of failings goes on
Forever, seemingly
My worst flaw of all
Is how often I find fault in me

Shrug off your past mistakes
Love yourself, they say
Sometimes I can
But sometimes I'm not okay

Is that okay?
Everyone feels a little darkness now and then
I'll pick myself up
And begin again 

Frost Laden Hitches

The sun slowly rises

And the frost on the ground

Sparkles and dances

As we drive around

Watch the leaves fall

So thickly it's like rain

Showering me in dirt

My smile reflected in the windowpane 

The sky's such a pretty hue

Seen from far away

Smile, won't you

Though we never play

Getting stronger throughout 

Just not my resolution 

Hands stained with dirt

Landscape covered in litter and pollution 

Blisters on my feet

Pimples on my face

Hitches in my plans 

Trying to find my place

But I'll smile and laugh

At little things I like

The sparkling ground

A frost laden hitch, roof, bike

Standing on covered porches

While leaves shower down

Smiling at strangers

So long as they don't frown

Riding in the back of trucks

Cold wind pushing on my skin

Driving backwards on sidewalks

Seeing where I've been

Don't know exactly where I'm going

Hardly know where I was

But I suppose that's okay

Because, who really does?