Springtide Thaw

I'll imitate your dazzling smile
Familiar and versatile
Overused all the same
Running short of fervor and flame

Gone are the days of puerility
Ostentatiousness and stability
Took a hold of my heart -
Haggard but never torn apart

Obligingly, I was defeated
Wonder and sincerity all but depleted
Grace and love nowhere to be found
Rain and tears came crashing down

Excellence will never be attained
Exactitude is ingrained
Never without our anxieties
Toughen up and let your smile freeze

Heave a sigh, thaw my face
Engrave in my eyes a little grace
Gash out of my heart the irritating skelf
Returning always to my true self

Atoning for my past mistakes
Soothe and bandage all the aches
Subsume every little fear
Catching every fallen tear

Observe the sunshine on the grass
Understand this too will pass
Light reflecting on the dew
Dancing there, just for you

Beheld with joy, just for awhile
Emulating their selfless smile

Wane

Sometimes I feel like I want to go back
To a time before my mind turned black
Before my heart began to crack
And my skin began to burn
Before you made me learn
About how the world is made to turn

I'll lay with my face turned towards the rain
My back pressed into grass and grain
Watch the moon wax and wane
Drinking in secondhand light
Letting my muscles relax and go tight
Close your eyes and fade into the night

In the nighttime your memory is tactile
In the moment it makes me smile
In the morning my mouth tastes of bile
I'll give no blame for all of this
The cracks and burns that came from our bliss
It was a long shot - we should have known we'd miss

So don't miss me - but don't forget
The secondhand flames we lit
Our highest mountain and our never ending pit
A loving touch and an awful sting
Onto the memory I shan't cling
For there's my moods - watch them swing

I'll watch the clock - see the seconds drip away
Watch the seasons change - now we're okay
Basking in this sunny day
Life's too short to waste time looking back
At our many mistakes and happy memories we lack
As time marches on we'll forget the crack 

Quaternary Blow

Time sucker punched me today

In my gut - knocking my air away

"Surprise!" it said, "Here's four years of your life

Gone forever - all the happiness and strife"

I doubled over in pain and realization 

I'd been so focused on my incoming high school graduation 

My blog's fourth anniversary had slipped my mind

"Forgetful child," time maligned 

"Four years of your life - and you forget!

How disappointed your younger self would be with all of it

Tests, invites, and driving - more crucial 

Than pouring out your soul?

Tell me, which will matter more when you're dead?"

I shrugged helplessly and sat down to hold my head

"Neither," I suggested with a nervous laugh

"None of this will matter half

As much as I thought it did -

What I showed and what I hid

In fear of what'd be thought of me

What I caged and what I set free-"

"Nonsensical poet," time chided, "You drift astray

From the point of the day-"

I crossed my legs and tilted my head

"The point being . . . what?" I said

Time held out a hand to help me to my feet

"You act as if I've been discrete!

Four years of your life - get your head out of the sand!

Get your hands out of your pockets and your feet back on land

It's your anniversary - be happy - celebrate!

Rather than never, let your smile be late

You've accomplished something - take a moment to reflect

Wash away the dust you allowed the past to collect

It's gone and done - you've made it through

But don't forget the lessons it taught to you

Store them in your mind neatly - not in your usual muddled bunch

And maybe next year you'll remember to block my punch"

Blank Pages

Not sure what to do
Now that the world's stained me black and blue
For bruises only heal
When the apology is real
Scars only fade
When repentance is made
All the lies are tearing us apart
No one around me seems to have a heart
They cannot, do not, will not love anymore
Lost at sea; can't find the shore
Drifting, drifting further out
Til no one can hear us shout
As we get eaten away by a ravenous shark
We close our eyes for fear of the dark

My mind is on a seesaw, going up and down
Wondering if I should smile or frown
Wondering if I should laugh or cry
Wondering if I should live or die
I've flip-flopped here and there
About whether or not I care
I just don't know anymore
Why I'm slamming the door
I just don't understand
Why I fall but never land
I just don't get it
Why is it I can't quit?

I just keep falling, falling
There's a distant voice calling
From the pit of my soul
Out of my heart of makeshift coal
Reverberating through my bones
Like a thousand phones
All ringing, ringing - all at once shrieking
And it feels like my brain's leaking
Through my ears and eyes
All while the voice cries
Words I can't make out
All being screamed in a shout

I'm standing here in the pouring rain
Turning numb to all the pain
And then masking my nothingness with a smile
My mouth tastes like bile
But I laugh, because that's what they want me to do
I've just been spit out - now they're bringing me back up to chew

I'm turning endless blank pages
Trapped in these cages
Can't find my way out
And I just need to shout
Stuck in the same old routine
Never saying what I mean
I'm only human, but I can't let them see
Or find out that truly
I'm so scared of making a mistake
I'm pretending to be someone fake

But what can I do about it?
Everyone's disapproving looks I dare not forget
Their disappointed sighs
That brought tears to my eyes
Are seared in my mind
Making my judgments blind
I'll do anything to avoid those looks
They've robbed me of my free will, the crooks
But I've allowed them to do it
Couldn't let myself forgive and forget
Couldn't go and set myself free
From these mistakes I'll remember for eternity 

Contrary Soliloquy

Is this what you want?
Spare time and stability
Do you know who I am?
You're giving up so easily

We worked so hard
They'll smother you in your sleep
Floating down gently
And cutting so deep

Toss and turn all you like
Old dreams wont be shed
Crack open my skull
Dig them out of my head


Another year slipped through my fingers
Still nothing to show
Another year chopped from your life
Trying hard to grow

We're still just a child
Can't we continue chasing dreams?
You're mellowing out
While I work in extremes

Some said I'd go places
Now you're leaving me behind
I'll search for hidden valuables
And admire what you find


Because you never asked for this -
The end of your childhood
I knew it was coming
But never really understood

We can't continue together
Yet you just can't smother me
A constant fight
Dreams vs stability

So have you found what you want?
Do you know who you are?
I'll fade into the background
And watch you go far