Sunday, December 26, 2021

Starlight

Endeavor to paint a picture
Of all the changing skies
I'll do my best to draw in starlight 
So I can see it reflected in your eyes

As it all gets blinked away
I'll sigh and try again
Always trying to remember
What it was like back then

Absorbing all the ink
That leaks from my hand
It's all an endless cycle
Contracting just to expand

Each word is such a struggle
Slipping from my mind
The more I try to build them
The faster they unwind

There's a rhythm and rush now
Pulling at my skin
What am I doing here?
Wasting time again

How long can this go on?
Forever, and just today
It all fades in and out
Searching for something to say

Absorbing words to leak them
Living days to forget
Time marches on
And I haven't figured out the reason for it

Though I relearn it every day
It never sticks around
Though I find it often
There's nothing really to be found

Endeavoring to find a moment
Of surety beneath these skies
I'll breathe in starlight
And watch it reflect in your eyes

Sunday, December 12, 2021

All Else Shall Move

Tangled in starlight
Heaven shining through
Reach for a moment
Of time spent with you

Under this new beginning 
Guess eternally at ours
How we met each other though
An alignment of the stars

Never giving this away
All the brightness in your eyes
Like all the blazing heavens
Ignited by sparked fireflies 

Guided by the breeze
Night's breath in the air 
Moments may be gone
Echoes find us there

New connections shining through
Tracing your fingers with mine
Oblivious to all else
Feelings shiver down my spine 

The stars align just for us
Heaven and cosmos approve 
Ethereal as this is
Stay with me - all else shall move

Tangled in this life
All I want to do -
Reap all of my days
Spend each one with you

Sunday, November 28, 2021

Maybe

Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all
Maybe it's better that way
To let it all fade and forget
Rather than holding onto yesterday -
Because I suppose I had to be lying
When I said that I needed you
Because I'm surviving just fine now
. . . I guess I just wanted you to say it too

And maybe I'll understand it all someday
Or maybe I won't even care
And I'll forget how it felt to have your arms around me
And the feeling of my fingers in your hair -
Because I suppose I had to be lying
Said I'd always love you even though
Love was something you would profess
But never could show

Maybe I was just fooling myself
Maybe it never meant as much as I thought
Because I spent too many tears
On moments that weren't worth being bought -
Because I suppose you had to be lying
When you said I was worth it
When you said you'd hold on this time
And promised we would never be a regret

Maybe there's a lesson to be learned
But I doubt I'll let it sink in
Because I can't quite hide away my heart
Just because of when -
We both lied to ourselves
And to each other too
And let go of everything else
To hold onto me and you

Sunday, November 14, 2021

Everlasting Moments

Take what I can from the day
Hold some of it and release
Empty out my lungs for a moment -

Momentarily find peace
Instead of letting thoughts run circles -
Running rampant in my head
Attempt to find stillness
Collecting all the nice things you've ever said
Like picking out stars
Effulgent in all that onyx 

Overcome by all the noise -
Focus only on the harmonics 

Holding heat in my hands
Out of touch with all the rest
The miracle of hot coffee 

Chasing coldness from my chest
Observe the rising steam
Fluid in the air
Fading with each breath
Ebbing without a care -
Everlasting moments reside there

Sunday, October 31, 2021

Rubble

I feel myself crumbling
Why - I don't know
It's just something that happens
Like how waters flow
Like the dimming of stars
Blackened by clouds
Rain pattering softly
Eternity enshrouds 
And when ends the rain -
Knowing it must
My soul shall replenish 
Yesterday shall rust

Hush now - for now
Echoes of fear
Attack not my thoughts
Reign terror not here
This too shall pass
I know that it will
Nothing lasts forever
Though there's rain on my sill
Wash it away
Or pretend it's not there
Maybe it won't matter
Or maybe I won't care

Rest easy - try
Echoes don't sleep
Thoughts needn't cycle but -
I always burrow in deep
My mind goes in circles
Each time that it rains
Still, I come back to the water
To fill up my veins 
How it surges in me
Acidic and vile
Now watch it spread out
Yet stay here awhile

Onward I'll look
Undiscovered I peer 
Caught up in the feeling
Of uncertainty and fear
Uncertain, yet sure
Life could never be so easy
Didn't I learn my lesson?
Empty out - let it fill me
Vast fractures covering
Echoing - I still don't know
Rain pours, demolishing 
Dust settles and starts to show -
Out of the rubble, better things will grow

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Get Out Of My Head

Grind it into dust
End the torment, please

Torch it all to nothing
Observe the ashes in the breeze 

Undo all that was done
Take back every word

Obliterate every glace
Forget all we heard

Memories must fade
Yet they seem to refuse

Hearts remaining full of them
Echoes of my muse

And it'll only end in tears
Dear, I'm tired of trying to heal this bruise

Sunday, October 3, 2021

Orion

Isn't it over yet?
Haven't we tried hard enough?
Act it all out again
Veer away and call my bluff 

Entreat the sky one last time -
Near enough to taste it
Orion dances on my head
Twirling in ways I'll never forget

Hold on tightly so you don't slip
Ice racing beneath our feet
New bruises peppering my skin
Gracing every sheet

Laugh it off - they'll never know
Enjoy each moment while it's here
Floating away with every breath
Twirling with you so near

I will never call your bluff -
Not that it matters anymore
Softly absorbing every lie
Ice seeping into my core

Don't ruin it yet
Entreat the sky - hold on tight
Orion's spinning wildly now
Falling through the variety of his plight

Maybe I'll sort out the story in the end
You'll understand every angle
Caught up in all the details
Harsh as opinions mangle 

Entreating the sky one last time -
Softly, quietly, as if it's a crime -
To attempt to hold onto something so sublime

Sunday, September 19, 2021

A Moment

If I take a moment to
Speak from my heart
Could I make it all make sense
Or would it all just fall apart?

And if the words come spilling out -
Tell me, would you mind?
Because, darling, I'll tell you everything
If you promise to be kind

But those feel like recycled words
And I've been through this all before
The water's nice till we drown
And are left stranded back on shore

I can't let go and can't hold on 
Above all can't get it through
My head that maybe this time it won't
Hurt to trust you

And if I take a moment to
Think about it all
Would you pause here with me
Or would it all begin to fall?

And will the words ever come -
When will you let me know
Where it is we're flying to
And just how far we'll go?

But those feel like borrowed words 
Are we on borrowed time?
Or is this all entirely new -
Is trying such a crime?

Yet I can't help but delete words
And hold things back, it's true
Still I can't help but write too much
And give every word to you

So as I take a moment to
Hold my breath awhile
You'll write too much and just enough
To release it with a smile

Sunday, September 5, 2021

Melting Point

Each time the everlasting
Thought crosses my mind
Echoes pull me in for a moment
Reaching for something I cannot find

Nightly, monthly, yearly -
I'll slowly let the pattern fade
Twist it into something new
Yesterdays full of transitions that had to be made

Build atop the rubble
I'll make new castles in the air
Don a new perspective 
Shift my gaze and grow my hair

Take another breath, dear
Holding tight - let that go too
Ease your mind once more
Eternity shall always bid you -

To forget every little thing
Overly large though they felt
Feelings fade with time
Oxygen cycles and memories melt

Regurgitate each phrase
Grasp at smoke till you touch ground
Eternity makes nothing of everything 
Time obscures even the most renowned 

Dancing under fading stars
Evanescent moments sinking into my skin
Allow that I hold the ones that suit me
Right until nothingness must begin 

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Clay

Are we at the end
Or at the start?
Neither and both I suppose
Stalling in some strange middle part

I want to form
The perfect thing to say
But life's not perfect
And words aren't clay

I suppose that means something
I suppose I should know
What's going on at this point
But there's so much space to grow

Because I'm not That now
What I thought I would be
Or who I was back then
I'm still finding me

Doubt I'll ever stop
Does anyone, I wonder?
Aren't we all volatile shapes
Constantly forming whilst being torn asunder 

And all those little things
That terrified me at the start 
Are what I'll miss the most
Transitioning into this next middle part

And all the hard things
I told myself wouldn't last
Are things I'm not ready
To let slip into the past

Because it was just two short
Yet extensive years ago
That I was so nervous 
And trying not to let it show

And now . . . I'm just here
Letting it all sink in
Not quite ready for an end
But more than ready to begin

Not quite knowing who I am
Uncertain who I will be
But content with the knowledge
That I like forming me

So as we come to a close
And as we come to a start
I'll move onward
Roaming through this next strange middle part

Sunday, August 8, 2021

Apocryphal Probity

Maybe I care too much and 
Maybe I don't care enough
Maybe it's worth the effort and 
Maybe it shouldn't be this tough 

It's always such a struggle but
Things worth having are
Isn't that the way it works?
Clinging to each wished on star

I don't know what we're doing here
I don't know what to think
I worry it'll all disappear 
If I so much as blink

Maybe I'm tired of trying and
Maybe you are too
Maybe it isn't meant to be and
Maybe I don't really need you

It was so much simpler before but
I tell myself this is what I need
I could wash it all away but
Hearts are made to bleed

I don't know why I force it and
I don't know what to feel
I worry I'm much too vulnerable 
If I let myself be real 

Maybe it's all a fiction and
Maybe I'm just a lie
Maybe I'm just dreading the moment when
You inevitably say goodbye

It's always so confusing but
Things worth knowing are
I tell myself it can't hurt but
I still feel every scar

I don't know what to make of it
I don't know who to be
But maybe it's high time that
I let myself be me

Sunday, July 25, 2021

Impact

I'll do my best
To clarify 
To rectify 
My words

You do your best
To be just so
To never know
The impact of yours

I could pretend
That I don't care
It's only fair
You know

Or you could act
Like you do too
I'll believe you
 . . . Because I want to

Maybe I won't
Ever be sure
Because of your
Dear words

Maybe you don't
Realize it -
Will you regret
The impact of ours?

And I could wash
It all away
Erase each day
I know

Or you could stop
Confusing me
Incessantly
 . . . Why hold onto me?

I'm sure I won't -
I'll never know
So I'll just show
With words

That I don't mind
Heading nowhere
With no prayer -
That's the impact of yours  

Sunday, July 11, 2021

Infinity

Slow as the days may pass
Obvious as I may be
I'll move onward
Saving your seat, infinity 

As quickly as the years go by
Vicious as the cycles are 
Echoes tethering us to memories 
You'll see our spark in every star

Offering time til it runs out
Until someday comes too late
Running scenarios in my mind
Still, I can't stay here and wait

Echoes attempt to pull us back
After all we've been through
Taking my sweet time
I would have given all that time to you

Natural as it somehow seems 
Forgo all that to find
Infinity's unanswerable questions 
New thoughts shall circle inside your mind

I will save your seat, infinity
Though time may alter you and me
Years may pass - still this will be

Sunday, June 27, 2021

Tempest

In the twilight hours it may call me
Winding time beneath my stare
In the darkness where it's lonely
Laying with tangled fingers in my hair

Lost in selfish fancies
Night seeps into my skin
Ocean waves roar in the breeze
Tides bring what was lost back in

Yet what must be gone forever
Is what I really want
Each night will endeavor
Like an echo, to trick and haunt

Don't listen to the whispers
Their promises run dry
Heart covered in blisters
Over the cracks that bleed through each eye

Ugly as that makes me
Growing weaker every day
Haggard and forlornly 
 . . . You just had to have your way

Oceans of water surrounding -
Understand, they couldn't hurt
Half as much as this hounding -
A fraction of remembering how we used to flirt

Used to, but nevermore
Now that I know what you truly are
Tempests whirl within your core
 . . . Memories still cling to me like tar

Etched yourself into my heart -
Tear it out and start anew
Ignite my soul, allow me a restart
Love is so much truer without you

Darkness yet follows
Echoing "til death do us part, you said"
And in the desperate attempt to claim this rose
Tempests rise around my head
Hold too tightly, and I am dead

Sunday, June 13, 2021

Her

I'll invite you along -
Will you stick around for me?
I'm so tired of being wrong
Lost in misplaced sincerity
Lose yourself in me

Slight adjustment - try again
Clinging to what they know
Rationalizing all the pain
Eternity isn't enough space to grow

All along the far off coast -
Memories that never were
Whisper "What do you want the most?"
Have I ever really been sure?
Eternity isn't enough time to become her

Nestle down deeper still -
Nestle down and suffocate
Once more, reshape your will
Once more, do nothing and wait . . .

Next up - what am I doing next?
Entreat the world, but no answers come 
I'll decide when I'm not so perplexed 
Speak when I'm more numb
Answer when I somehow become -

Really, what am I supposed to be?
Open to all of it, and none
Untie the stars - let them fall on me
Nestle down till it's all done
Don't, and blaze within the sun

Sunday, May 30, 2021

Hold My Breath

If you tire of trying
    And I tire of letting you
We'll get around to dying
    Nothing else to do
I'll give up on complying
    Death is a battle all lose
    Wearing slowly at my muse

Lie to me awhile
    And if I can't believe
Let my mouth fill with bile
    I'll tear the heart from my sleeve
Hold tightly to your smile
    Take what I can get
    Forgive you so you can forget

Of all that remains -
    Of all that is left -
Let it run through my veins 
    Raging and bereft 
Desired all these pains
    You gave them to me willingly
    Often and so wantonly

Make it better someday
    Undo all you did
You've nothing left to say
    Telling all they forbid 
Better to cut ties when they fray
    Only to pick up the pieces
    But it all still decreases 

Reality pulls at me
    Remember - it all ends in death
Echoes of all I gave freely
    Echoing - I'll hold my breath
And pull back at reality
    And wait for you to breathe
    Till my blood begins to seethe 

Tire of it all and let go
    Hold only that which feels right
Hold on until there's nothing left to show
    Etch it into our hearts and watch it fade out of sight

Saturday, May 15, 2021

A Place To Begin

Dusting off the day
Enter my head - what shall it say?
After all that's happened since the last
Recalling all that has passed

I suppose I've once again spun
Around our blazing, boiling sun
Making fading memories
Nodding softly in the breeze 
Oh, they've only just begun

To dance they're twisting, spiraling dance
Winding down each choice and chance
Hold on tight - we've time left still
And a lifetime of blank space to fill

Take my hand and run with me -
Yesterday's gone and I've things to see
Over the mountains and through the sky
Until I've nowhere left to fly
Hunting every possibility 

All I must do first is quit
Doubting myself and shrugging a forfeit
Try as many times as I must
Hands aren't meant for collecting dust

Of all the things I could be and have been
Up to this point, and after my twentieth spin -
Gathering new things to try for a while
Holding onto the ones that make me smile -
Til the end, there's no end - just a place to begin

Sunday, May 2, 2021

Nacre

Too many things rushing to the surface 
Give me time to sort them out
It's all a bit confusing now
Each word full of doubt

And what's the reason now?
Can't pinpoint the source 
All the future longing
Or all the past remorse

I'll step outside and watch the world
Spinning til I close my eyes
Pretend it's all concrete and still
Cocooned in all these lies

Grit my teeth and hold on tight
Time's still slipping from my skin
It smooths and wrinkles
Scars and fades again

Couldn't it all just stop for now?
Your body still warm beside me
I want all the moments back
Hold them for eternity 

I'll step inside and close the curtains 
Get lost inside my head
The morning sun attempts to rouse me
But I'll just stay in bed

Bite my lip and look away
Time takes everything, I know
In all the fleeting seconds
And years that pass so slow

Too many things settling on the surface
Getting tired of setting them straight 
Treasure each moment that I can
Before it becomes too late

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Flow

Thoughts spiraling still
Heart crumbling slowly
Echoing memories surrounding 
Distractions running out on me

Endless hours stretching on
Always wishing them away
Too many wasted seconds
How am I supposed to be okay?

Putting on a smile still
All too many reasons why
No one would understand anyway
Go on - it does no good to cry

Still, my strength falters
Or maybe it's always been a façade
Forever redefining how I see myself
Like shifting waters that are always flawed

Observe the whirlpool that is my mind
Now move on and forget
Grown accustomed to being a second thought
Crashing water - someday I'll drown in it

Heaven sent down a breeze
Entreating the faces to smile
Rain crept slowly in -
Into their stomachs to stir up bile

Spit it out and drink it in
Hoping and pushing it away
Erasing convictions and making them
Don't know how to make it all okay

Holding myself to such high standards -
Only have to fix everything, you know
Pour my heart out - suck it back in
Emotions must be controlled, but my thoughts still flow

Sunday, April 4, 2021

Whooshing Sounds As Life Flies By

We have gathered here to find:
How much more of myself can I lose?
Old thoughts seeping from my mind
Once more lacking my muse
Say it now before it's too late -
However long this will take
I will never submit to fate
Not that it changes for my sake

Galaxies melting in my eyes
Stardust peppering my hair
Over and under all the lies
Under and it's over, unfair and square 
Nebulas like waves come and go
Drowning my thoughts 'til I can breathe
Soak it in - enjoy the show
As the world begins to seethe 

Say it now - but it's too late
Living life feeling so unsure
I shall crumble beneath the weight
Forgetting just what I'm hoping for
Echoing images I can't discard
Forgetting it all, I'll say -
Love me forever, even if it's hard
I'll watch the dreams decay

Echo back and forth again
Softly here tonight
Break the clouds and watch them rain
Yesterday long gone and out of sight

Thursday, March 25, 2021

Senary Scenery

Once more, I will, I know -
Reach the end of the dawn I come back to
Before that, how much further can we go?
What more can I do
With all these vast skies
And thoughts that never crystallize?
All the aspirations tied round my throat
All the changing scenery -
I'll get a grip - hold them tightly
And fashion them into the words I wrote

How remarkably strange
Is a life that is ordinary?
How much can I change
With a line that is quaternary?
And I've taken every blow
And tried my best to grow
In all the areas I most lack
Though castles in the air crumble on my head
And no one will remember a thing I said
After all, it's no skin off my back

And just how long has it been?
Two years and counting, all the way to six
Lost in a game I can't ever win
In so many days it ought to transfix 
And what will these thousands bring?
I doubt it'll ever amount to anything
But a loosening of lumps inside my throat
And a calming of my mind and heart
But still - I would never part
With these six years worth of words that I wrote

I'll reach the end - I'll begin again
The sun shall rise, and always set
It shall ease joy and pain 
From memories I won't forget
Because how could I with all of these -
Lines and verses that make time freeze?
In these moments of time I return to
Of past selves and sceneries lost
In these vast skies in which I'm tossed
I'll greet the dawn - what more can I do?

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Forbidden Fruit

Tis the beginning of a new day
Yet tis the end, I suppose they say
What can I do, but watch it all disappear?
What can I think, with all that I hear?
All their opinions invade my head
Shall it confuse me until I'm dead?
Or shall it all fade from my mind?
Oh, if only the world were so kind

So shall I in anger slam the door?
Avow to be swept away no more
Assert every word we breathed, we lied
Shall my emotions I simply try to hide?
Or shall I daydream and never move on?
Forever insisting you're not really gone
Shall I resign myself to one fate?
Only accept what's been put on my plate
I could go on, but, alas, it's all moot
For I am only forbidden fruit

And what are you - what be thy name?
Made from ice, and I am flame
Get too close and you'll only melt
How could you not, with all that we felt?
Now you will freeze into something new
Best of luck finding a mold to suit you
Careful now, for I know I'm fire -
How shall you ever be happy when you push back what you desire?

And I shall blaze and smolder on
Wondering at all we've forgone
My thoughts like sparks dancing overhead
Spurred on by thoughtless flames that we fed
Knowing all along that water and fire
Are not something the other ought to desire
Though, in truth, I doubt you ought to be cold
You shan't find your true breadth inside of a mold
But, like roses wither, resolve fades away
Even those forged in fire can't always stay

Yet here I am, talking to you still
Why do I bother?  You'll do what you will
So shall you resolve to slam the door?
Let me burn you up no more
Shall you daydream and never move on?
Forever hoping what we had isn't gone
I could go on, but you know it's all moot
For I am only forbidden fruit

Sunday, February 28, 2021

Morning Dreamer

Maybe I could change it
Or pretend I'm not me
Naturally, forget 

Cast my gaze to the sea
Or perhaps to the sky
Everyone asks why
Until I concede 
Rambling on about it still 

Battering and bruising my will
And my heart may bleed
Till I wake one bland day 

Like one from a cocoon
And life will start to weigh 

Calloused and lonely moon
Had to please everyone
And let go of the sun
Maybe I could change
And chase after what I desire 
Dreaming always of that fire
Escape pressures range 

Pulled back to the morning
Or to a flaming dream
Until they give warning
Rush away from each beam 

Told what to be and do
Oh, if I could be you
I'd choose to be a morning dreamer - it's true

Sunday, February 14, 2021

If We Never Forget

I knew you before we met
    I'll push back the memories and try to forget
Felt things I couldn't admit to yet
    Fading thoughts of what we'll never get

We stayed to watch the credits end
    Writing messages I'll never send
Enjoyed the presence of such a close friend 
    Each heartache is so hard to mend

Never felt like that before
    Not sure what it was all for
Every smile made my heart soar
    Every memory has left my heart sore

Verily amazed by our similarities 
    Vast as our differences may be
Each day connecting more wholly 
    Echoes of each thing you couldn't accept about me

Reality never made more sense, it's true
    Relapsing is still such a tempting thing to do
Felt more myself when I was with you
    Falling in addiction with love too

Our fingers gently intertwined
    Our moments forever stuck in my mind
Rambling words, soft and kind
    Rash decisions that we can't rewind

Gone were the days of loneliness
    Gone are the days I can't help but miss
Etching yourself deeper into my heart with each kiss
    Echoes of such forsaken bliss

Told me you wanted to hold on and we'd never let go of this
    Told me to hold on, and then you let go of us 

Sunday, January 31, 2021

Flurries

Just because I'm not sure - 
Already lost in the rain
I'll still attempt to be her

Land on my feet again
And hit the ground running

Failing always to be so stunning
Like one caught in a daze
Actions spinning round my head
Make up my mind when I am dead
Maybe it's all just a phase
Endings only spur the fire

And it's only right that this is so

Limits only strengthen desire -
Already prepared to watch you go
My soul is ablaze and it has a right to be
Etch it in your mind: you have no right to me

Etch it in your heart and watch it bleed
Take it away, I will go without

Just trying to lose the doubt
Etch it in my heart, make it my creed

Does it really have to go like this?
Or couldn't it be better?
It's all been a swing and a miss
Still feeling I've never met her

Life continues, again and again -
Always losing myself in the rain
Vast plethora's soaking me
Over my head, stuck in a daze
I'll watch my soul, still ablaze
Really, it has every right to be

Sunday, January 17, 2021

Captivate

What shall I do now?
Oh, if only I knew
Uncertainty bathes my head
Like my thoughts of you

Don't want to think
In these silly circles anymore
Twirling in memories and dreams
Buried in rambling words from times before

Endings aren't definite
Time makes them a reality 
Only, I don't want it to
Observe how ridiculous I can be

Days will pass - I'll be fine
Reality will eventually dispel
All the heartache and memories
My pen wishes to tell

Advised against it - still I hoped
Though I knew you'd never be mine
I let myself wonder -
Could our fates intertwine?

Too dramatic and bookworm-ish 
Only, that's what I liked most about you
Said such wonderful things
And I wanted to believe they were true

You captivated me, and then you let me go too

Sunday, January 3, 2021

Resolutions

Today life took me by the hand
Gave it a tug and told me to stand
I simply scowled and pulled away
"Just what do you think you're doing?" I had to say

I crossed my arms and asked life, "Well?
What gives you the right to make me stand when you're the reason I fell?
I have no strength to deal with you today
Just give me a break until I feel okay

You've been so difficult - you've been so hard
You shattered my heart and cut me with its shard
You've tested me - you made me cry
Yet I kept struggling - I really did try

Well, I'm tired of trying - just let me rest
I simply can't keep giving you my best
It's just never enough for you
You cause trouble no matter what I do"

Life looked at me, then shook its head
"Are you done complaining yet?" it said
"So I've been difficult - what did you expect?
I offer no satisfaction guarantee, last I checked

If I came with a warning straight from the start
It'd say "Guaranteed to break your heart
Without a doubt will make you cry
And shall always leave you wondering why"

This is simply the hand you had to be dealt
And with each heartache that you felt
With each stress induced gray hair
And every time you wished you didn't care

You grew, my dear - you're growing still
Expanding your mind and strengthening your will
I test you, yes, even more than usual last year
And now you're so much more you than you used to be, my dear

Would you rather I be easy - never require you to change?
Would you rather stay put and never find your true range?
I will forever continue to test you, it's true
The only variable is: what will you do?"

I looked long and hard at life, then said simply
"Since you're bound to be you, and now that I'm me
I will not ask for no tests or trouble this year
I shall simply make one resolution: I resolve to persevere"