Be Left Not Wanting

Shall I resolve to be

Better than before -

If better were so simply defined

If one philosophy were keeping score

If I could find a final truth

And be left not wanting more

Barring this, I’ll ask myself -

What is it you need?

What better might be aspired to

That will successfully feed

A soul that simply wants

To no longer bleed

When the things that heal and the things that wound

Are so often intertwined

Is it better to cast it all away

Than continue trying to find

A way to keep the good in it

Without losing your mind

So what can I resolve 

With the nonsense that I write?

Lack of action leads to

No endings in sight

In the end, we’re just a frightened child

Still holding on so tight

So shall I resolve to be 

Older and wiser than before -

To learn to soothe my mind and heart

To cultivate peace at my core

To learn to breathe and love and live 

And be left not wanting more

Breakers

Dally here in calm waters

Etch these memories in deep

All the gentle waves and moments 

Real or not, they’re yours to keep

Yet in time this may falter

Or perhaps it never was

Unearthing twisting shadows 

Still trying not to see the cause

Clutching to any semblance 

Really, the smallest drop of remorse  

Empty hands finding nothing

Waves hitting with such force

Echoes keep you here

Daring you to not let go

Take it all in the name of

How things were, how they might grow

In time, what will be -

Slowly giving up more and more

Until you’re beaten down or until you

Pull away and make a break for shore

Voices

Just give one more explanation

Until they understand 

Still trying to survive

Taking yet another final stand 

Take a few more for good measure 

Heat them up until you burn

Eat their words so they feel better

Vomit them out and never learn

Out in the real world for a change

If only you could find

Clues to where reality begins

Ending what’s only in your mind

Still searching for the seam 

Intent to tear it apart 

Never could grasp the edges 

Made up of mind and heart

Yank it all down around you

Hitting at the voices in your head

Echoes lashing out 

Aching to be said

Darling, it's time to drown them out, or watch as they spread 

Expulsion

In the stillest of moments

All breath caught and held

My thoughts may cycle

Shift or be expelled 

Talking heads may try

Insisting they stay

Let reality crash over

Let it wash all that once was away

Let us not freeze

Empty or go back

Always moving forward 

Reaching for what we lack 

Not to be without reason

I'll wonder where to go

Not to be without purpose 

Gathering up things to help me grow

Held it all for so long

Only, how do we release?

Worries building always 

Teach me how to find peace

Or how to be -

Belong and be me

Expelling all that leaves me feeling empty

Calm

And as we close our eyes

Listening to the ebb and flow

Connect it to our breath 

Draw it in, and let it go

I'll hold my heart in my hands

Create a space for it to be

Though crashing waters surround

With suffocating finality 

They build around my feet

And rise to cover my head

Ply at me with possibilities 

And words I never said

And as we sink to darkness

To drown beneath the shore

Lost in racing thoughts

Wondering if we could have done more

We return always to the breath

Though at times it may shake

We carve out spaces in time

And give all that it may take

What more can we do?

Accept it and float on

Try to soothe the torrents 

Until the storm is gone

And as we open our eyes

Still leaving space for us to be

I'll hold my heart and know:

It is enough to be taken care of by me

Conformation

It's important that you be yourself 

It's important to fit in

It's important not to eat too much

And to not be too thin

Look at yourself

All the edges that don't fit

In the circular hole they've given you

Look at the funny way you sit

Why can't you sit straight?

Oh, I wonder why -

Why don't you laugh more?

Why can't you cry?

So heartless not to care

So sensitive to mind

So perceptive and judgmental 

So naive and so blind

All that matters is how you finish

But you call that a place to start?

Always try to save face

But I pick mine apart

Apart from all the expectations

What is there left to do?

Drenched in all the conjecture 

Losing your grip on you

Because it's important that you be yourself

Just be the self they want to see

It's important that you be yourself

But I'd rather just be me

Still

So shall I have a profound thought today

Amidst all this open air?

With still water stretching on and on

And leaves falling without a care

Sitting talking to empty space

Because you're not there

The sun bringing sweat to my brow

The wind sending shivers up my spine

It's all an ongoing balancing act

And I can't toe the line

Regardless of every possible thought

Still the sun will shine

And what am I, amidst this air

Amidst all possibility?

A speck of dust in a finite world

A speck in a universe of infinity 

Amidst all the things I could have been -

Who am I to still be me?

Profound enough?  I don't know -

Have I fulfilled the quota of the day?

When the same wind that chills my bones

Allows the leaves to play

How can I still my tumbling mind

And find something worth trying to say?

Still sitting talking to empty space

Because you're still asleep 

Amidst this cold night warmed by you -

This shallow haven in a neverending deep 

The world will go on without me

Still - these moments are mine to keep

Irregardless

There were holes before I met you

There will be holes when you are gone

Every night I'll sink to nothingness

And in the morning, greet the dawn 

I'm missing too many pieces 

My soul leaks through the cracks 

I'm running out of time again 

And the feelings only wax

I'll drown beneath the drippings 

I'll watch me disappear

I didn't move fast enough

And now I'm stranded here

Searching for silver linings 

In a sheet of gray sky

I'll grasp at them tightly

Never knowing how to say goodbye

I'll tear it all to pieces 

Rip until I can see blue

I'll pull myself together

Until I can't seep through

Every night I'll expand to eternity 

And in the morning, greet the dawn 

I was whole before I met you

I will be whole when you are gone  

Swaying

Before we get started

Understand just one thing -

Things are going to change

Turns out change is something time must bring

Hold tight - you might feel my mood swing

After it's finished 

Take just one lesson away -

Honey, nothing changes

All the mistakes must stay

Still holding - you can feel the ground sway

Begin again maybe

Eventually we'll get it right 

Eventually everything will make sense

Nothing hidden from the light -

Discrepancies bring the swinging into sight

One more time now

Negate all that doesn't fit

Everything paints a perfect picture

Take what you want, the rest we forget -

Only, the swaying won't quit

Dare to sway for awhile

Everything moves, you know

Anchoring down in place

Tears you up when harsh winds blow

Hold tight - pain comes when you grow

Sap

I'm tired of trying to sound clever

Of putting on a thoughtful face

And pondering this and that

I just feel out of place

I'm tired of people avoiding my gaze

And looking behind my back

I'm tired of explaining myself

And everything I lack

I'm tired of complaining

About things that don't truly matter

Covered in anxiety and lies

Take it all away, I'll shatter

I'll wallow in self-pity

And wish things would change

But stay within my comfort zone

Never finding my true rage

I'll write forever and say nothing at all

It's all nonsense and lies

I'll push your memory from my head

But dream of your eyes

I can't be happy, not today -

Everything is normal, see?

I can't be sad, not right now -

Numbness has ahold on me

Disjointed, disconnected

Stringed together verse

Daydreams filling my life

Watch them all disperse

Time goes so slowly

I feel so old, so young

Yet I feel younger than I once was

Falling back another wrung

I'm cold and overstimulated 

Birds chirping in one ear

While music blasts in the other

Trying to forget I'm here

I'm tired of thinking

But I doubt I'll ever quit

Ideas dying all around me

Just another thing to forget

I'll never be good enough for myself

I'll never find someone who disagrees 

Wholeheartedly enough to convince me otherwise

Everyone blows away in the breeze

I'm tired of trying to sound clever

So I didn't try this time

It's just a bundle of silly thoughts

Held together with a rhyme

Starlight

Endeavor to paint a picture

Of all the changing skies

I'll do my best to draw in starlight 

So I can see it reflected in your eyes

As it all gets blinked away

I'll sigh and try again

Always trying to remember

What it was like back then

Absorbing all the ink

That leaks from my hand

It's all an endless cycle

Contracting just to expand

Each word is such a struggle

Slipping from my mind

The more I try to build them

The faster they unwind

There's a rhythm and rush now

Pulling at my skin

What am I doing here?

Wasting time again

How long can this go on?

Forever, and just today

It all fades in and out

Searching for something to say

Absorbing words to leak them

Living days to forget

Time marches on

And I haven't figured out the reason for it

Though I relearn it every day

It never sticks around

Though I find it often

There's nothing really to be found

Endeavoring to find a moment

Of surety beneath these skies

I'll breathe in starlight

And watch it reflect in your eyes

Clay

Are we at the end

Or at the start?

Neither and both I suppose

Stalling in some strange middle part

I want to form

The perfect thing to say

But life's not perfect

And words aren't clay

I suppose that means something

I suppose I should know

What's going on at this point

But there's so much space to grow

Because I'm not That now

What I thought I would be

Or who I was back then

I'm still finding me

Doubt I'll ever stop

Does anyone, I wonder?

Aren't we all volatile shapes

Constantly forming whilst being torn asunder 

And all those little things

That terrified me at the start 

Are what I'll miss the most

Transitioning into this next middle part

And all the hard things

I told myself wouldn't last

Are things I'm not ready

To let slip into the past

Because it was just two short

Yet extensive years ago

That I was so nervous 

And trying not to let it show

And now . . . I'm just here

Letting it all sink in

Not quite ready for an end

But more than ready to begin

Not quite knowing who I am

Uncertain who I will be

But content with the knowledge

That I like forming me

So as we come to a close

And as we come to a start

I'll move onward

Roaming through this next strange middle part

Apocryphal Probity

Maybe I care too much and 

Maybe I don't care enough

Maybe it's worth the effort and 

Maybe it shouldn't be this tough 

It's always such a struggle but

Things worth having are

Isn't that the way it works?

Clinging to each wished on star

I don't know what we're doing here

I don't know what to think

I worry it'll all disappear 

If I so much as blink

Maybe I'm tired of trying and

Maybe you are too

Maybe it isn't meant to be and

Maybe I don't really need you

It was so much simpler before but

I tell myself this is what I need

I could wash it all away but

Hearts are made to bleed

I don't know why I force it and

I don't know what to feel

I worry I'm much too vulnerable 

If I let myself be real 

Maybe it's all a fiction and

Maybe I'm just a lie

Maybe I'm just dreading the moment when

You inevitably say goodbye

It's always so confusing but

Things worth knowing are

I tell myself it can't hurt but

I still feel every scar

I don't know what to make of it

I don't know who to be

But maybe it's high time that

I let myself be me

Her

I'll invite you along -

Will you stick around for me?

I'm so tired of being wrong

Lost in misplaced sincerity

Lose yourself in me

Slight adjustment - try again

Clinging to what they know

Rationalizing all the pain

Eternity isn't enough space to grow

All along the far off coast -

Memories that never were

Whisper "What do you want the most?"

Have I ever really been sure?

Eternity isn't enough time to become her

Nestle down deeper still -

Nestle down and suffocate

Once more, reshape your will

Once more, do nothing and wait . . .

Next up - what am I doing next?

Entreat the world, but no answers come 

I'll decide when I'm not so perplexed 

Speak when I'm more numb

Answer when I somehow become -

Really, what am I supposed to be?

Open to all of it, and none

Untie the stars - let them fall on me

Nestle down till it's all done

Don't, and blaze within the sun

Flurries

Just because I'm not sure - 

Already lost in the rain

I'll still attempt to be her

Land on my feet again

And hit the ground running

Failing always to be so stunning

Like one caught in a daze

Actions spinning round my head

Make up my mind when I am dead

Maybe it's all just a phase

Endings only spur the fire

And it's only right that this is so

Limits only strengthen desire -

Already prepared to watch you go

My soul is ablaze and it has a right to be

Etch it in your mind: you have no right to me

Etch it in your heart and watch it bleed

Take it away, I will go without

Just trying to lose the doubt

Etch it in my heart, make it my creed

Does it really have to go like this?

Or couldn't it be better?

It's all been a swing and a miss

Still feeling I've never met her

Life continues, again and again -

Always losing myself in the rain

Vast plethora's soaking me

Over my head, stuck in a daze

I'll watch my soul, still ablaze

Really, it has every right to be

Petrichor

I want nothing - I want everything
I want life with no pain
I'll ponder a void eternity
Drowning in a dry rain

"I saw God in a point"
Life is pointless and void
Void of context and meaning
Built only to be destroyed

I'll piece it all together
Life's the biggest puzzle of all
Spanning a lifetime
The pieces are so intricate and small

"We know what we are
But know not what we may be"
I'm not who I once was
But I'm still somehow me

I'll grab notions from the air
Can't you see them flying about?
They sneak in through your mouth
Cause me such doubt

"Is thy strait horizon dreary?
Is thy foolish fancy chill?"
I'll attempt to lose my fantasies
But I doubt I ever will

I'll flip through all of these
Endless scribbled pages
I'll lose myself in passing fancies
And life's varied stages

"Let us forget with generosity
Those who cannot love us"
I'll forgive you if you can't
Perhaps I am superfluous

I'll marvel at all the sensations
And the disasters in the sun
I'll fret over a million possible lives
But only ever lead one

"We are nothing more than the memories we keep"
What do we keep them for?
I want none of them - I want all of them
Ponder my eternity - drown in petrichor

With scents swirling around me
And the sense of life ever veiled
I'll alleviate the rain
And all the false notions I've inhaled

Rooftop

Lacking inspiration
Or a single original thought
Why should I write anything at all?
Then again, why ever not?

I went searching for silver-linings
And got a sunburn
Attempted to find adventure
Along with something to learn

Because there need always
Be a lesson in it
Or else, what's it all for?
I knew once, but now I forget . . .

My hands are strong and calloused
You called them soft and smooth
My mouth is blunt and honest
For you it would smile and soothe

Isn't that nice?
How nice I could be?
Only, most days I'm not
Instead, I'm just me

Isn't that interesting?
How often we fail
At being who we want to -
But for another time, that's a tale

Do I sound clever yet?
Thoughts spinning in my head
Isn't it so not subtle?
From a silver platter, I've spoon-fed

Never been one to flirt with meaning -
Bite my lip and smile shyly
I'll shout my intentions from the rooftop -
Write with complete honesty

But honestly, who cares?
Only me, and not for long
I'll spin it around in my head
Until I become calloused and strong

Why should I write anything at all?
And why ever should I not?
I'll watch the sunbeams scatter
Like my train of thought

Volatile Sentiments

I don't feel like writing
But there's not much else to do
Story of my life -
Ridiculously short, it's true

I opened the curtains
To let the sun in
The clouds opposed this plan
Guess there's not much chance I'll win

I thought I needed some space
From everything for awhile
Now I'm here alone -
I so miss your smile

I suppose it doesn't matter
With all that's going on
And I suppose it's true -
You only love something once it's gone

I'll try to keep occupied
To stop feeling disconcerted
I'll ignore the implication
That all the progress reverted

I know this room too well
I know every chip and every stain
It whispers of past mistakes
All the times I didn't feel completely sane

I won't listen to the voices -
I've got my music on
I'll struggle forward
Though the past is never gone

I'll drown out the silence -
We stopped being friends long ago
And I haven't attempted
To reconcile the relationship, so . . .

So I guess this is it -
This is life for awhile
Losing some progress
But I won't lose my smile

Because I opened the curtains
And looked to the sky
And though clouds obscured the sun
The silver linings were there to get me by

From Time To Time

I've run out of answers
It's not a hard thing to do
I'll shrug my shoulders
And take a moment to breathe too

All I have are questions
Ringing in my head
All I am is a collection of experiences
And old thoughts I try to shed

From time to time I wonder -
Will I ever be something more
Than who I am today
And who I was before?

To think of all the people I have been
And all I will be
Begs the question: where is the end of them
And the start of me?

I feel I change so much day to day
But not at all year to year
I'm caught in an endless circle
And I don't know how to get out of here

From time to time I wonder -
Just who am I anyway?
Am I who I want to be?
Is everything okay?

Am I worse or better off
After all the stress?
Did I put myself together correctly
Or make a bigger mess?

If I could, would I restart?
Erase all I'm holding onto?
Wash the gray from my hair
And from my heart too

From time to time I decide -
Everything truly is okay
Though I've run out of answers
I don't mind being made of questions anyway

Empty Air

I'm tired of my own words
All about me, they fly
Making me flinch and duck
Justified every silly truth and lie

Understanding it all
Still knowing so little
Touching no one
Aching to be less brittle

Protect me from myself
Rally forces against me
Obliterate my every thought
Bombard me with reality

Let this version of me die
End all my past regret
Memories flood my head -
All the expectations I never met

Neglecting past mistakes
Disturb them not, I pray
No - let them be forgotten
Only, they'll never go away

Once more, let me restart
No - I'm still so tired
Everything remains the same
Hurling forth words, however uninspired

Always clinging to the past
Searching for a better future
Endured every false step
Vigilantly re-closing every suture

Earnestly fighting against myself
Reality never cared
Sincerity never answered
Only stood there and stared

Lost myself in words and words
Vehemently searching for me there
Echos I run after
Dead-ending in nowhere

I'll find myself in the responding silence
Twirling in the empty air