Balance

Here lies my sanity
Lost to vanity
And remorse

Here stands my integrity
Bolstered by sincerity
And sheer force

There was uncertainty
Caused by adversity
And fear

There was tenacity
Thanks to veracity
And the fact that you're here


So here lies my dilemma
A bit of an enigma
Watch it grow

Here stands my charisma
Induced by drama
Start the show

So there was trauma
Causing a slight coma
It did impede

There was a stigma
Hindering my breath like asthma
Watch me bleed


Here we bleed in silence
Dripping with no resistance
Like rain

Here we breed compliance
Disguised as defiance
We bring pain

There was so much reliance
On harsh words and violence
And force

There will be balance
Caused by truthful guidance
And remorse 

Inclined to Smile

Forego with caution
Lightly judge or don't
Oversimplify it
Call it necessary, I won't

Cold air swirls around me
Inside I am warm
Nightly dreams attack me
Answers in the storm

Undergo the treatment
Cast away your heart
Insist it all was worth it
Nothing tears us apart

Inclined to smile
Harsh winds do blow
Ice grows around me
Little do I know

If it speaks to you
Perhaps you've gone insane
If it pleases me
Life will fill with pain

Inch by inch we travel
Foot by foot we stride
Ill-equipped to function
Cry caution to all that ride

Action of course speaks louder
Telling every nation
I'll fade away now
Overcome with elation

Notwithstanding my floccinaucinihilipilification

~

Floccinaucinihilipilification: the [action or] habit of estimating something as worthless

Valiant Blush

Touched by dreams or not
Hitherto I've never been shot
Except with bullet shaped remarks
Peppering me like red hot sparks

Understand that I'm not for you
Rather like the color blue -
Perhaps you like it, but that doesn't make it yours
Only if we're both shot through our cores

Softly tread - I'm on eggshells now
Earnest words are all that I'll allow
Offer them to me with a smile
Forever and always, or just for a while

Likened to paint on a wall
It will fade, or chip away and fall
Forgetting that, I'll develop a blush
Enthralled by this silly rush

I know the risk - the inevitable end
Still, my heart to you I lend
Tender as it may be, I know
One hole still bleeding from cupid's bow

Love shot me through the core
Insisting I want you evermore
Valiantly, to you my all I'll give
Every day, for as long as I live

Eden

Reaching outward for
What lacks within
Old dreams smothering me
My head starts to spin
Speaking softly
Though I want to scream
Escape isn't possible
Outside of a dream

Creating problems
Where there were none
Outwardly reaching
Inside I run
Laughing though it
Brings me no joy
Onward march
Like a windup toy

Recent or not
The pain is still fresh
Echos of tears
Watch me as I thresh
Delicate beatings
Slight words of regret
Goodness didn't win
The challenge never met

Love never hurt me
For it never came at all
Always lacking something
I'm bound to always fall
Sensibility has shown itself
Not once since I was born
So between two fantasies
I am stretched and torn

Pulled apart over nothing
I cannot pull myself free
In a conscious state
Paradise eluded me
Incapable of finding Eden
I settled for a dream
Still speaking softly
Inside I scream

Addicted To Words

Allow me to
Deviate from the truth
Devoted yet -
Indeed, since my youth

Careful now
True colors shining through
Enter at your own risk
Doubting everyone like you

Together we'll make it
Or perhaps not
Wonder if we'll ever make sense
Out of someone else's thought

Real in a way - like
Dissimulation
Swallow it up -
      It's my fix[ation]

Fragment

Keep still - keep your heart
Insisting I've ripped it apart
Calloused hands do it well
Knowing all along I never fell

Instead ask me this -
Not without a foul tasting kiss
Go on - it spills from your lips
Take not away the tear as it drips

"Have you ever loved me at all?"
Everlasting words, they fall
Crashing to the floor
Abiding, alas, no more

"Never - never!" I cry
Dripping words that I lie
Over our broken hearts -
Wounded, no - shattered into parts

"Never" you agree
Twisting the knife you've stuck in me
How many years ago?
Everlasting love - no

Renouncing me, you leave
Only pieces of your heart stuck on your sleeve
All the rest remain with me
Damned to live forever in your memory

Criterion

Writing for the sake of writing
Rhyming for the hell of it
Posting for its routine
Continuing lest I forget

That I'm a writer - see?
Here is the everlasting proof
Years and pages and stacks of it -
Couldn't possibly be a goof

Couldn't be a one time thing -
Couldn't be a phase -
Has to be who I am
For how else could I amaze?

The one thing I'm good at -
Well, that's a slight lie
The one thing I was always sure of -
Sure it'd be here until I die

But, look - life's longer than I thought
Time drags on so slow
While falling away so fast
How was I to know?

That finding Time for writing -
This Time that drags and speeds -
Gets harder the more you try -
Tending to other needs

But still I try to force it
Because if not a writer, who am I?
With all my stories and fictions
Is my persona my biggest lie?

But the years and pages and stacks -
So much proof could never cling
To a truthless fiction
Well, that's just the thing -

For with so much proof
How could I ever have a second thought
Unless the truth was flimsy -
And in a circle I am caught

Round and round my mind goes -
Truths and lies mixing, darker and brighter
Until one sure thing breaks the surface -
Shaking a fist at me, yelling - "I am a writer!"

Hold On

I don't want to fight
Holding on so tight
Try to make it right
Use all your might
I'm not trying to dim my light
If I take flight
I'll come back down for you
These words are true
Nothing I'd rather do
Than hold on tight too

But I'm growing older
Can't always stay at your shoulder
I have to grow bolder
Have to go where it's colder
Out from under your wing
I cannot bring
Any childhood thing
Have faith in your king

Trust me too
As I do for you
This is long overdue
No need for rescue
I'm not going astray
Can't always stay
Don't have as much time to play
Can't always let you pay
Come what may
I must go make my own way

Between The Lines

Beating hearts and fists
Feel much the same
Let it bother you not
O, few can win this game

Bothered still we be
Minds ever occupied
Truths nudging us onward
O, none cut and dried

Bruising hearts and stone
O, structured as we are
We're ever holding back
Good and bad with brick and tar

O, still emotion flows forth
On and on it shines
Through crevices and cracks
In the hidden meaning between the lines

Regurgitation

Only a thousand thoughts inside my head
While a million words I have bled
A trillion masks I have shed

Falling asleep, pen in hand
Trying to make the world understand
None of this was ever planned

In a web of words I've been caught
In a dozen lies I never bought
In a hundred notions I never thought

In a never ending spiral that is time's
In wasted space and wasted rhymes
Shackled here for someone else's crimes

False and true mixed in my mind
Neither of them especially kind
Both of them making me blind

Living in a nightmarish fantasy
The truthful things fight back at me
Watch me escape into reality

With raging waters at my core
Stuck calmly here though inside's a war
Regurgitating thoughts forever more

Lock & Key

Words that we whisper
Thoughts that we shout
You have no substance
So I'll dry heave you out

Absence of chains
Absence of light
Burning on through
The absence of night

Can't keep it out
Even when I try
Can't hold onto life
Everyone must die

Chasing tails
Dropped on their head
Dripping truths
The lies have bled

Inspiration hits
Like a brick
Lacking in substance
Rough and thick

Words that echo
In my mind
Thoughts that spill
Through a mouth unkind

Not done yet
Doubt I'll ever be
Here lies the proof
Behind lock and key

Apathetic Android

My heart was made to be broken
My skin developed to crack
My mind manufactured to decay
My eyes to blur and look back

My questions never had any answers
My worries never knew any cure
My feet never understood rest
My strength was never meant to endure

A robot made from passion
An android developed with love
An enigma ensued with numbness
As I am none of the above

Apathy seeped into my system
A virus into my frame
Washing over my emotions
Making them all feel the same

I was assembled with intent -
I was meant to be
A smiling, successful android
Smart, kind, and happy

But the numbness in my nexus
Dealt with this disposition
Succumbing me to sorrow
Vacuuming up my volition

Yet my heart still shatters
My skin stretches and cracks
My mind withers and dies
And my eyes don't accept the facts

The disposition granted
To every robot like me
Continues to control
A system bathed in apathy

It cannot delete the virus
It cannot regain the love
A common enigma indeed
I am all of the above 

The Cycle of Life

In the stillness of morning
In the silence therein
In the rising sun and people
Let us begin

With the blare of the alarm
That shakes me from my dreams
With drooping eyes
Blinking at sunbeams

With the first splash of water
Awakening my skin
With the first sip of coffee
Awakening me within

In the mind numbing traffic
In the blaring of horns
In the speeding cars
Rushing to begin their morns

With school or with work
Dragging on all day
With smiles or frowns
That won't too long stay

In the hours slipping past
Until I drive again
In the traffic going on
A race I cannot win

With the first sight of home
With the rattle of keys
With the shedding of shoes
With pleasure and ease

Soon I will sleep once more
Thoughts rumbling within
Until morning comes
And I do it all again   

Ivory Jail

On the tip of my tongue
Hidden behind my teeth
Going forth and back again
In circles like a wreath

Concealed by a smile
Trapped in an ivory jail
Where it can't be disputed
Where it can't fail

One simple sentence
Could lead to so much
Or to nothing at all
To the present I clutch

To pause for thought
Is to kill the notion
For thoughts lead to worry
Can't fight the emotion

When will it come out?
Who is to say
We may never know
Until comes that fateful day

When the notion spills out
And the sentence rings true
And it all lays bare
When I say it to you

But that day is not today
For I paused for thought too long
But I'm sure it will happen soon
 . . . Unless of course I'm wrong

Oh Yes

Terribly
Important
Mysteriously
Eternal, yet -

Falling away
Limited -
Irrevocable, and never
Enough
Scarring us

Benevolently with
Yesterdays and endings -

On we go, it
Hinders and aids

Yet is vacant
Empty and
Stark, it's

Incomplete -
Ticking away

Failing to
Last, yet
Infinite -
Essentially cruel, it
Serenely decays

Malaise

The grip of the sky
The softness of land
Fingers crossed behind their back
They offer me their hand

Is it worse to leave too soon
Or stay too late?
To trust too willingly
Or the chance decimate?

I talk to myself
Because I know I'm listening
And I keep to myself
Because their judgments are christening

Blame it on my
Lack of direction
Blame it on our
Fear of rejection

How can you know what love is?
Just another word they created
And I used to be so sure
But my mind's rotated

I prefer pens over pencils
Because their truths can't be erased
And I love your kiss
But I hate the aftertaste

They say the same thing
In a thousand different ways
While we smile
Through the malaise

I miss who I used to be
And am apprehensive as to who I will become
In the end
Will the pieces be bigger than the sum?

New words, old thoughts
Gibberish I write
It all ends the same
Running to our plight

Movement

17th birthday
Today I feel
Happy enough
Though a little unreal

There's a sense of disappointment
Because nothing's really changed
There's a ping of loss
Because somethings have been estranged

A feeling of worry
Of things changing in my life -
While I bemoan the sameness
A double-edged knife

A wondering feeling
Where did all the time go?
It left with speed
But the days felt slow

I have a deadly fear
Of being unprepared
I had a sinking feeling
That no one really cared

I have a questioning mind
That loves to learn
That searches for answers
And questions every turn

See, I'm not in a hurry -
I'm dragging my feet
But my legs keep running
There are expectations they must meet

It is those three things -
My fear, mind, and legs -
That make me seem in a hurry
Though I'm walking on eggs

I'm in no rush to be older
I'd reschedule if I could
Each year I feel I've done less
Though all I needed to, I withstood

But I'm happy still
Reading this, you might not get why
For a smile is harder to form into words
Than fears, cold and dry

I'm proud of my 16th year
I did pretty well
I may not have soared among stars
But I also never fell

Growing older is hard
And I feel with age I should improve
I push myself a lot
And get mad when I don't move

I doubt I'll ever have a birthday
Where I don't feel I've wasted time
But neither will there ever be a day
Where I don't smile at these silly things I rhyme

Clap Along

No house should ever be so quiet
As to hear a clock tick
No thought should ever be so deep
As to not make us act - quick

And I hear the birds when
Everything else is asleep
And I see bravery when
Everyone else acts like sheep

And the soothing music moves me
When I am alone
And the silent truth inspires me
When it is shown

We drown out the silence with noise
And expect to still hear it
Listening only to the clock
Few times it is quiet

Silence is wasted space
Wasted time as it tick, ticks away
Thoughts are wasted effort
So special at first, but they don't stay

And I'll put my headphones on
To drown out the world
And I clapped along
As I spiraled and twirled

And I will find no meaning
In two clocks ticking out of sync
And I will change nothing
With these thoughts that I think

Tasse

Clear word
Sharp sentence
True thought
Cuts like glass

But muddled mind
Twisted wants
Overlapping thoughts
A kind of tasse

Atoms buzzing
World spinning
Mind racing
All is still

History repeating
Feet backtracking
Thoughts overlapping
Such a thrill

Guarded heart
Pumping hard
Shredded nerves
Is this real?

Like broken glass
Fragmented words
Shards re-shapen
Is how I feel

Varying colors
Like changing thoughts
But a broken prism
Is only glass

I'm not a warrior
Just a worrier
All these fears
It's only tasse

~

Tasse: one of a series of overlapping metal plates in a suit of armor [that form a short skirt over the body below the waist].

Evolve

Second verse
Missed the first
Way to go
Way too slow
Summer brings
Hot sticky things
While winter holds
Running noses, colds

And how could there possibly
Still be things to say to me
Things to say to you
Other than what is true?
Truth is dangerous
Though canorous
We think it'll bring
A happy spring

We forget-
Spring is muddy, wet
With melted pure white
Ignorance's plight
The season's turning
Signs of the burning
Just around the corner
The red hot scorner

What's so good about truth?
Was I worse off in my youth
When I knew even less?
I confess
I don't think so
Now, watching the flowers grow
Out of the destruction of the pure white
Waiting to burn in skepticism's light

No Skin Off My Back

Write in a notebook, tear it out
Fold it up so it can't shout
Stick it in a drawer to collect dust
Dig it out and post it when I must

Could be two days old
Could be two years, dead and cold
Could be all fiction and lies
Could have a slight truth amid it's cries

Most of my poems come because I have nothing to do
So I pick up a pen and write about something I'm sure somewhere is true
Sometimes it comes out in a poetic story
Other times it's just random thoughts that come to me

I work with fictional people I create in my head
Who stay to write their thoughts, then they are dead
Stay to write their story, then fade back into nothingness
Stay for the dry paper and leave without a kiss

I dramatize little flitting feelings of dismay
Though I feel quite happy most every day
But happy poems aren't as fun to write
As ones about fear and pain and shadows of the night

So that is my Creative Process -
A muddled, unimportant mess
Been going on for three years now today, easy and cheap
No skin off my back - Happy 3rd Anniversary In [the] Deep

No skin off my back, no painful story of my own
No little secret, no wise way shown
No skin off my back, I've got no gift or curse
Just some thoughts, written in verse

Pants

Allow me a minute
Or three
Or four
Or two

Give me a firm place to stand
And I will
Or won't
Move you

It's time to get up
But you feel
Too very
Blue


It's not that
I don't have
Some longing
You know

It's just
You're no longer
Enticing
Interesting . . . no

Sorry
You're not motivated
To strive
To grow


You never
Gave me a firm place
To stand
To dance

Yet I
Always gave you
A second
Or third chance

But now
I'll say goodbye
Thank you -
But I can wear my own pants

Pressure

I feel slightly sick to my stomach
I feel mostly wrong in the head
I feel I might be okay
As long as I am dead

To remove the pressure from my mind
I split open my skull
And out sprouted wisdom
Along with stupidity to answer the call

And I know I'm over dramatic
That's why I don't like them to see me cry
And I know I'm bad at making friends
That's why I don't like to try

When divine inspiration hits
Is when I have no pen in hand
When I open my skull
Is when they don't understand

A crack that opens wide
To vomit out a word
And then it shuts up tight
To devour what it heard

And they swing out of sync
While he smiles up at me
And we pray and we sleep
And long to be free

But what has us trapped
Aside from our own head?
What keeps us down
Aside from the comfort of our bed?

And I wake up early
So I have time to waste
And we say we're unique
Going copy and paste

And I'm sorry I'm not
Everything you want me to be
And I'm sorry we're not
Always happy

But maybe we could make it
If I could vomit out words in front of you
And maybe someday I will
When the sky's no longer blue

And I feel mostly sick to my stomach
While you pull and I strive
And I feel I might be okay
As long as I'm alive

And If

I've been searching my soul for the answer
Been watching the world for a cure
But they're not there
And it's not fair

And if I were a pencil I'd have no point
And if I were part of an arm we'd have no joint
And if I were an instrument I'd be out of tune
And if I were an overachiever I'd be on the moon

And who says we need happiness
Other than those who profit from what we miss?
And it's not sane
And we're so vain

And if I were always happy I'd be naive
And ignorance is my greatest peeve
And if I were truly confident I wouldn't care
And since we're not sane this is what we wear

And if never tasted, why do I miss it?
And if we can fly, why are we still in this pit?
And I'm not to blame
And they'll say the same

If I gave no excuses I'd be an anomaly
And if there was a way out there'd be a fee
And if we're tired why don't we sleep?
And maybe I'd feel bigger if I weren't stuck staring at the deep

And we're just trying to forget our limits
The fact that our bodies will one day call it quits
While the universe goes on like pi
Still we die

And if I understood I'd be unique
And if you did I'd kiss your cheek
And if I were human I would lack
And since I am I will look back

And I search myself for answers because I'm in deep
And I watch the night sky while I should be asleep
And the answers are sometimes there
And that's pretty fair

And if I were greedy I'd take thirds
And if I were me I'd write these words
And if I were you I'd read them now
And if I were done I'd take a bow

Silver And Gold

Soaked in lies
Invisible pride
Longing to hide
Vicious cries
Existential ties
Risking those who have died

Apart from that
Neither deserves a pat
Dying with black cat

Gifted or not
Only one shot
Lend all you've got
Didn't add up to a lot . . .

Sane

Written in blood-
No
Written in ink
Written in a simple way-
Sane
Don't you think?

Write it in a way
That says it all
Write it on a ledge
And then let it fall

Makes so much sense-
No
Leave it to interpretation
No lies in sight-
Sane
Leave it to perspiration

Circling a black hole
Alone in vast space
Life goes in circles
Around my blank face

A countdown to start-
No
A countdown to end
Seconds tick, tick away-
Sane
For whom time will not bend

All the pain and darkness
Cancel with the joy and light
In a burst of neutral
That puts up no fight

Do you understand?-
No
For nor do I
Written in a simple way-
Sane
Perhaps when I die